Gordon Gekko, fictional Wall Street Power User, dwells on the mantra
"Greed Is Good."
Here's a quote from:
http://www.timeslive.co.za/entertainment/article525768.ece/Gekkos-ex-learns-greed-lesson
---------QUOTE------
"Greed is good" was the maxim of Michael Douglas's 1987 film Wall Street. Now, his former wife appears to have taken the lesson to heart.
Diandra Douglas is suing the actor for half of his income from the new sequel Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - though the couple divorced in 2000. The Oliver Stone film is due out in September, with Douglas reprising his role of Gordon Gekko - the self-styled "master of the universe".
--------END QUOTE---------
CNBC ran a poll on Friday July 1 asking if viewers thought greed is good. It was nearly a split decision, from the way they asked the question. They didn't specify good for what.
I'm telling you, greed is the writer's best friend!
It is a perfect, High Concept character motivation. Nobody, reader or viewer, needs an explanation of what greed feels like, or what it's like to go up against someone fired up with greed.
Now, beyond that, the thematic discussion makes perfect fuel for either a soft-sweet romance or a hot-spice romance, and you can even found a raging action-romance on it.
Greed is a good motive for a protagonist who "comes to his senses" because of love (or a good knock on the you-know-what) and it's a great motive for a villain who gets his comeuppance good and proper.
We discussed the film Toy Story 3 last week, July 13, 2010 on aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com
On http://www.blakesnyder.com/2010/06/25/toy-story-3-beat-sheet/ you can read the analysis of Toy Story 3 and see just how important THEME is to this light-entertainment film that isn't supposed to draw audiences seeking "serious thought."
You should also note this entry on blakesnyder.com
http://www.blakesnyder.com/2010/07/02/kieran-kramer-saves-the-cat-and-so-much-more/ where a NOVEL is analyzed for "beats" -- can you see the trend in Romance there? Just as I pointed out in my July 13 post noted above. Theme and Romance and Novels and SCREENPLAYS go together.
Now, plot some stories with greed as the main theme subject. The word "greed" by itself isn't a theme. It can be a motif, a character motivation, or almost any other element in a story. Make it a theme by taking a position on the subject. "Greed is good" is a great starting point, but move on from there.
Challenge yourself to a writing exercise. This is like a pianist doing scales rather than playing an entire piece.
1) Create a POV character who hates greed (because he/she is riddled with it and rejects Self).
2) Create a POV character who lauds greed and proves (as Gekko) that greed is the personality trait to foster if you want to get rich or stay rich.
3) Create a SUPPORTING ROLE character who fights greed in human society. Generate a POV character from the supporting role (B story character), a POV character that the supporting character can redirect.
4) Create a Villain or simple antagonist who either embraces Greed or eschews it, but does so with way too much force. Explain why he/she's so obsessed.
5) Create a character whose hidden fear is that his inner greed will overtake him - perhaps he starts out living the severe austerity of a street-begging Monk with a bowl and a robe, no sandals, and suddenly has to command a galactic fortune that's shrinking alarmingly fast.
6) Create a greed-theme based character with your own formula for a character. Then build a world to display that character's lessons in greed -- such as Wall Street was chosen to display Gekko's philosophy.
Remember all the TV Series you've seen using Confidence Men (White Collar rules the roost at the moment) as lead characters. In the grifter's world, the handle they look for in a Mark is Greed.
If you don't have greed activated in your character, if your greed doesn't rule you, no grifter can possibly get you to do anything against your best interests - and the grifters good at their trade, the ones who might succeed, won't even try you. There are plenty of "Marks" in the world who wear their greed on their sleeves. You don't have to be one of them. That's a theme. Work it every which way.
The reason these exercises are relevant to success in the story marketplace today is the same reason CNBC and film makers are shouting about this film "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps."
We as a society will be, possibly for the next 20 years, debating how to "govern greed."
I discussed the 20-year fiction-taste trend cycles here:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2009/11/astrology-just-for-writers-part-6.html
and here
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2009/11/astrology-just-for-writers-part-6.html
It's Pluto transiting Capricorn. Capricorn is the natural 10th House of Vocation and Government and is ruled by Saturn, Restriction and Discipline.
The financial meltdown of 2008-9 coincided with Pluto making stations on the USA Natal chart's 8th House (other people's money, inheritance) -- and for a Nation, 8th House is all about taxes. Pluto is all about the hidden world beneath the world, and the nuclear magnitude power that seethes down there. Pluto rules the Natural 8th House (Scorpio) just as Saturn rules the Natural 10th House (Capricorn).
Greed is a natural desire magnified beyond all limits.
We have a natural awareness of the possessions of others (8th House), and the Values of Others (also 8th House). The 8th House is naturally opposed to the 2nd House, our personal Money, Possessions, and Values. So we're always comparing what we have to what others have.
The problem comes from coveting what others have. When that natural tendency to compare gets magnified, it becomes a desire FOR what others have, not just curiosity. Magnify that and you get Greed.
Pluto's main effect is just exactly that, magnifying. Pluto releases that subterranean nuclear level (super-volcano magnitude) power into the channel of a natural, normal, ordinarily good, human tendency of being aware of what's around us.
So it's entirely possible we may see the whole USA society confronting a government (Saturn) exploding with unbridled (Pluto unbridles) greed for control (Saturn) especially of "other people's money" (8th House).
Or it might not go that way. Don't let your imagination fail here.
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2010/06/where-expert-romance-writers-fail.html
People will be on all sides of this issue, subliminally worried about it and confused because the "Conservatives" who are deepest into Christianity pound the table about Greed as a Sin, while the rest of our world keeps trying to de-demonize sins in general, pounding the table about acceptance of what used to be taboo because it's based on primitive superstitious religion.
That's a CONFLICT, in case you didn't notice.
And so there's a building audience that will be grabbed by fiction that discusses all sides without taking a side. It's a puzzle everyone will be working on solving.
Grab your piece of this action with all the greed you can muster.
But once you have done that, stuff that greed back into the lock-box that your emotional anti-virus software keeps for you.
When doing business as a writer, keep your greed completely out of the transaction. Agents and Editors will blacklist you if you don't. They won't deal with someone who wants more than they're worth.
But if you don't know exactly what your product is worth, you will get taken to the cleaners. (you know I love cliches for a reason).
Jacqueline Lichtenberg
http://jacquelinelichtenberg.com
Showing posts with label characterization. Show all posts
Showing posts with label characterization. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
TV Show White Collar Fanfic And Show Don't Tell
The previous two weeks, we have looked at 7 Pursuits to engage in that will help you teach yourself to write. Those posts are:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2010/04/7-pursuits-to-teach-yourself-writing.html
and
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2010/04/7-pursuits-to-teach-yourself-writing_27.html
One very fruitful exercise in teaching yourself to write is writing fan fiction about your favorite TV show or movie characters.
So now we're going to use the USA Networks TV show White Collar for a lesson (an arduous lesson) in SHOW DON'T TELL. I'm going to try to show-not-tell how to show-not-tell, then explain what I did and give you a chance to do the drill.
You don't need to have watched White Collar to grasp the elements in this drill, but it might help to browse the website for White Collar.
http://www.usanetwork.com/series/whitecollar/ (the website comes on with audio-commercials)
Writing is a performing art, as I've told you I was taught, and as such it is a vocation, a calling, more than a profession. Writing is a lifestyle.
Writers do it even when reading. Can't help it. If you're a writer, you are constantly and incessantly rewriting everything you read, or even TV shows you watch -- even great TV shows like White Collar. Yes, Watching TV is work for a writer. I watch about 6 hours of fiction a week.
So a friend of mine pointed me to a bit of fanfic she had written based on White Collar. She's a seasoned professional writer who can't write without plot, pacing, style, structure, and conflict that resolves. Like all writers, she rewrites TV shows as she watches them, then continues to write the show's story-arc, fixing little things here and there.
Like me, she watches White Collar with an eye on the pickle Neal finds himself in.
That situational pickle is why I like the show. I liked Remington Steele, Quantum Leap and It Takes A Thief for the same reason - the pickle inherent in the situation.
Most TV series, especially anthology series, don't address the inherent pickle.
That pickle is called the "springboard" and is a vehicle to get you into the story, not something that they intend to resolve.
Quantum Leap is a good example. Only occasional episodes addressed the physics of the problem that got Dr. Sam Beckett stuck leaping from one time to another or how to get him out of that pickle. The point of the show was "solving problems" in people's lives by taking over their life from inside their own body.
But the only thing that interested me was the pickle and the solution, not the problems of the people he visited.
Time Travel Romance routinely does this too. The mechanism of the time travel leap is more fascinating to me than the Romance unless the writer can make them one and the same -- the novel A Knight In Shining Armor now out on Kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/Knight-Shining-Armor-ebook/dp/B000FC0QO8/rereadablebooksr/
is an example of making the Romance more prominent than the time-travel mechanism.
So, in the TV Show White Collar, the Romance and the pickle are intertwined perfectly. You've got to solve the pickle to solve the Romance. You've got to solve the Romance to solve the pickle.
Neal agrees to work for the F.B.I. helping catch white collar criminals (his colleagues and rivals) in order to get out of jail so that he can find and maybe rescue his lover, the one serious relationship in his life.
At the point of this story, Neal has just seen his soul mate killed in an explosion and has nothing left. The F.B.I. has him on a leash (an ankle tracking device). Meanwhile, he's become good friends with the only cop ever to catch him. The cop keeps tempting him to go straight. And any romance reader can see Neal's wide-open to a new lover, but not emotionally settled enough yet.
So my friend the writer starts plotting, and out comes a (brilliant) solution to Neal's pickle.
It's 2AM after a hard day writing for pay, and she's jumping up and down with this fabulous idea. Got to write it or she won't sleep a wink, nevermind write the next piece in a way that can earn her pay. The mind writes what the mind writes.
So she wades in to solve Neal's pickle in a real quick fanfic. She's tired and wants to get right to her idea. This piece is aimed only at those who watch this show's episodes over and over and probably write fanfic about it themselves. They know the material, they don't need an introduction just a quick sketch of her particular variation on Neal's character, and then into the story she wants to write.
So she perpetrates the biggest no-no in the writing craft, right up front of her story where it really matters, she starts off with tell rather than show, cramming in some foreshadowing that doesn't belong in the opening, then dashes off the story itself and posts it. As an afterthought, she points me to the first chapter of the story (which already has rave reviews being posted), "Look what I wrote. What do you think?" And of course she's referring to her solution to the pickle.
And what do I do?
I rewrite her opening tell into show and send it to her.
I had a grand old time writing fanfic to my friend's fanfic. Then I realized I'd done a writing lesson I could use to show you what I've been talking about when I say "show don't tell" -- my friend does not need this lesson and knows that I know that. She was not offended when I showed her my scene, and even agreed to let me use it for you.
Here's the URL for the story she posted - it has 7 chapters you can find in the dropdown at the upper right:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885164/1/Grace_In_The_Confidence_of_Others
Here's the opening paragraphs as she wrote them. Read them, study, and rewrite them as SHOW rather than TELL before reading what I did.
------------
Summary – When Neal is playing a con, pulling a heist or creating a forgery, he has all the confidence in the world. But when these tools are not an option the only thing he has to save himself and the lives of others is something he's not too sure of at all, his own self worth.
Grace in the con fidence of others
Chapter 1/7
By Ultracape
They hung in almost every office, were tacked on nearly all the peg boards and some having been enthusiastically signed with a flourish by the grinning artist were framed and brought home and displayed in places of honor. There were few in the F.B.I.'s White Collar Crime Division who had not yet felt graced with a Neal Caffery original sketch.
It was the easiest con he'd every pulled, even if it was totally unintentional, and nothing to be proud of. As far as Neal was concerned if they were foolish enough to think his creations were any good he'd brag about his talent and play along. Then maybe he would not be the first one people looked to when something went missing in the office. Maybe he could get through a day feeling like his honest work meant something.
Even when he put his life on the line, something that happened with increasing frequency it seemed, it was not his word people trusted, it was his tracking anklet and the ever present threat of prison for the slightest infraction of what he felt were arbitrary and inconvenient rules, just begging to be broken for a good or even not so good cause.
The thing was, while it was rare for Neal to find any task difficult, when he did face difficulty, he did not have the experience to work it through. Fitting in, being accepted; playing by the rules eluded him, frustrated him and turned every day into a struggle to achieve what seemed to come so easily to others.
Gaining people's respect and trust in a persona for a con, for a heist, for the space of no more than a few weeks, was easy, especially for a man of Neal's brilliance. But earning the trust of others with nothing to show for his life but a list of alleged crimes, one conviction and a prison term was a greater challenge than he'd ever faced.
None but Neal's handler, partner and friend, F.B.I. Special Agent Peter Burke, could see through the armor of his fashionable suits, his charming veneer, his eagerness to be helpful, his know it all (because he did) attitude and his wit and puppy dog eyes to the troubled, childlike soul, the person who thought of himself as worth less than his doodles.
Now, just months since his girlfriend, Kate, had been killed, Neal's self-confidence was at an all time low. As far as Neal was concerned, the murder of his lady love, had been the final blow showing him that no matter what he did, what he accomplished, he was worth nothing, just some tool to be used by whoever needed his considerable criminal talents.
If trading his life for a hostage was needed it was no problem, and good riddance if said trade ended in his death. Thievery and coercion were against the law except if some mysterious uber-leader wanted to maneuver Neal into steeling something that supposedly didn't exist from a foreign government. But once Neal accomplished the deed, blowing him up was a convenient way to get rid of his inconvenient presence. And just for fun, pining a crime on him to cover up someone else's misdeeds was no big deal. As far as everyone was concerned, Neal deserved to be in prison, or dead.
Fine, he got the message. He was free as long as they could use him and his choices were prison or death and Neal did not want to go back to prison. Maybe this early morning meeting with Peter would lead to a means to an end. His experience as a consultant for the F.B.I. showed him how easy it was to step in front of a bullet even when he wasn't trying.
Having arrived early, Neal took out his small sketch pad he always kept with him to occupy his time. As usual, his thoughts drifted off to Kate and flashes of their life together, always ending with the explosion that took her from him. It was just that burst of brightness, this time from the sun angling its rays against a building and reflecting suddenly onto his face that he became aware he was staring out at the clear day, the tall glass monoliths sparkling in the morning light. He was halfway done before he even realized he was sketching the cityscape, somehow, even in black and white, capturing the brilliance of sparkling buildings, giving them a vitality unseen by passersby. His back to the door, Neal was so focused on his work that he did not notice the two men, one carrying a file, who walked into the room until one of them gasped.
"Oh my G-d, Peter!"
------------
OK, to do a good job rewriting this opening, you should read the whole story, all 7 Chapters, but I had read only this first chapter to the end before I couldn't resist creating a SHOW out of this TELL opening.
For the purposes of this drill, just reading that first chapter should be enough.
I'm going to show you here an illustration of a simple fact I learned from Marion Zimmer Bradley. Writing is a craft. It can be trained into you like driving, tennis, pottery. The training consists of drill-drill-drill, and that's about it. Talent of course helps, but is neither a necessary or sufficient condition to doing what I'm going to show you.
This is an exercise in "put in the data and grind the crank." It is a mechanical exercise devoid of artistic dimensions. It is an exercise in walking and chewing gum. It is an exercise in doing a lot of writing craft techniques simultaneously, and cross-integrating each with the other.
This scene appeared in my mind, WHOLE and complete, produced by the training my subconscious has endured over the years. Writing it down only took a few minutes. I did not think about this. I didn't laboriously figure it out. My subconscious produced the scene in a flash-photo and I knew it was the SHOW that corresponds to the TELL in this story opening just twisted into my own characters.
I watch this TV show, and I have inside my own head, a Neal & Peter set that doesn't resemble those my friend writes about here. So in writing the scene down, I distorted her characters, and deleted points she had inserted as foreshadowing of the subsequent events that I hadn't read about yet.
For her to attach my opening scene to her story would mean the entire thing would have to be rewritten, after rewriting my opening to correct the characters to be her own characters. The foreshadowing I deleted would have to be moved to later. And then the pacing and plot and everything else would have to be adjusted.
Had she stopped to create an opening scene instead of the long "tell" opening, it would have been an entirely different scene than the one I concocted.
This will be the case with anything you come up with to cast that TELL opening into a SHOW opening. Your Neal (whether you've watched the show or not) is not my Neal or Ultracape's Neal.
That's what makes fanfic so much fun! You can have your cake and eat it too! You can have dozens, even hundreds, of versions of the same character in various versions of a pickle, and watch the problem get worked out in thousands of ways.
If you have no idea how to transform her TELL into a SHOW, here's a clue. You need to create a SCENE in which almost all the information in her TELL is illustrated by visuals, by things, by actions, and by acting business.
To show not tell, you need to create a scene, so your piece must have a scene's STRUCTURE.
If you don't know the rules for creating a scene, first read:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2009/07/6-tricks-of-scene-structure.html
And it's sequel post:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2009/07/6-tricks-of-scene-structure-part-2.html
Yes, "show don't tell" means "construct a scene that conveys this without saying this."
Scene Structure mastery cures Expository Lumps.
Ultracape's opening "TELL" is mostly exposition.
If you don't know what an Expository Lump is, or have been excoriated by your beta readers for expository lumps (or told your writing is boring), read these posts first:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2008/08/source-of-expository-lump.html
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2008/09/sexy-information-feed.html
And this one focusing on Michelle West's novel THE HIDDEN CITY as an example of information feed.
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2008/09/for-my-review-column-httpwww.html
I call what Ultracape did for the opening "information feed" - and she chose telling the information as exposition and narrative instead of showing it with a full fleshed scene.
She did that because it's easier and faster. You will find that you do it often, too, and on rewrite you are faced with the problem of how to fix it. Sometimes a scene is the solution, so this exercise may help you meet a looming deadline one day.
WRITE YOUR OWN SCENE NOW.
OK, now here's what I did with it. Read what I did, then we'll go through it again, identifying the craft skills for various items in this scene. Then you can rewrite what you did, if you think it's warranted. You can post your results as a comment on this blog to get feedback.
------------
GRACE IN THE CON FIDENCE OF OTHERS
(opening rewrite by Jacqueline Lichtenberg)
The motor pool sedan lumbered over the broken field.
Neal Caffrey sat beside his handler, Peter Burke, who wrestled the car up next to a row of identical ones and parked it precisely in line. Neal clutched a plain brown wrapped package in his lap and noted the hint of a smirk on Peter's otherwise friendly face.
Peter got out, pocketing the keys and leaned on the open door. He surveyed the immense bon fire smoking downwind of the parked cars. On the other side of the fire, a small fire truck and four geared up firemen supervised the flames. On this side, four guys in F.B.I. jackets watched, hands in their pockets.
Peter looked back at Neal, eyebrows raised. "Well? You going to pay off this bet, or not?"
I'm not a welcher. Never have been. Even Peter knows that. I thought.
Neal got out, slammed his door, and tucked the package under his arm. "What now?" The bon fire of counterfeit currency blazed merrily.
"Follow me."
Peter led the way up to the group of F.B.I. guys, hitched his suit jacket back and shoved his hands in his pockets, starting to talk before Neal got close enough to hear against the wind.
As he approached, Neal's artist's eye took a snapshot of the tableau.
In one instant, the group opened and swallowed Peter, becoming a group of five F.B.I. guys, one of which didn't wear a labeled jacket. But five F.B.I. guys, solid and unbreakable.
Odd man out, Neal joined the group, very aware that it was still five guys and him, not six guys.
"...sure thing," one of them was saying. "But I have to see what's in the package first."
"No problem," replied Peter, and gestured casually to Neal to unwrap the package in his arm.
Neal held the bottom of the package and ripped the taped shut top open.
"Oil paintings, on canvass," said Peter. "They'll burn easily. All forgeries, we don't ever want to get back into circulation, if you know what I mean."
One of the guys plucked a rolled canvass out of the package and held it open. He whistled. "You sure this isn't the real thing?"
Neal interjected, "They're not."
The guy asked, "How do you know?" And he scrutinized Neal, as if checking his face against memorized wanted photos.
"I painted them."
All four guys riveted eyes on Neal.
"So," Peter broke in, "can we feed your fire?"
"Go ahead." The guy handed Neal back the rolled painting.
Peter gestured to Neal and the moment of paying off his bet with Peter came upon him like a cold shower. He'd been stupid to open his mouth and volunteer to burn these himself. He had been so sure he'd been right about Dorothy Putnam's double timing her S.E.C. boss on those CDO's. But she'd been lily white, and Peter had won the bet.
Neal walked up to the fire, gaining the alert attention of both firemen at the left and right of the pile of burning currency.
A gust of wind drove the flames and smoke away from Neal, and he took that moment to hurl the first painting onto the fire.
I can make more. he thought grimly as he flung each painting onto the leaping flames. So why does this hurt?
The brown wrapper followed the canvasses, flapping in the wind.
Neal turned to face the welded together group of five F.B.I. guys and paced the distance back to them.
He could have just let me burn them in my fireplace. He made it back to the car certain he'd shown no hint of the pain he didn't let himself feel.
By the time they arrived at the office, Neal's back had relaxed enough for him to stride freely down the corridor, even though fully aware of each of his freehand sketches displayed on the walls.
They hung in almost every office, were tacked on nearly all the peg boards and some having been enthusiastically signed with a flourish by the grinning artist were framed and brought home and displayed in places of honor.
He realized he'd been doing a lot more of those sketches since the murder of his lady love. There were few in the F.B.I.'s White Collar Crime Division who had not been captured in a Neal Caffery original sketch.
Why do they keep them? The scene of the morning returned full force, Peter melding seamlessly into the group of four F.B.I. guys, and himself apart. He tried to shake it off. They don't see me as just some tool to be used by whoever needs my unique skills!
But Neal knew that as far as those four guys were concerned, he deserved to be in prison, or dead, if they could only remember the right wanted poster.
But I've decided to do whatever it takes to stay out of prison, and I can do whatever I decide to do. Right?
Peter's phone rang. As he slipped it from his pocket, he said, "Neal, wait for me in my office, okay? I'll be right back." And he took off down the hall, phone to his ear.
Neal sighed and watched him go. See? What did I tell you? he told himself silently. I'm just a convenience, a crime solving appliance.
He slipped into Peter's office and took out his small sketch pad he he carried for waiting-room-moments.
As usual, his thoughts drifted off to Kate and flashes of their life together, always ending with the explosion that took her from him.
But this time, it was just a burst of brightness from the sun angling its rays against a building and reflecting suddenly onto his face, not an orange and angry black explosion.
He became aware he was staring out at the clear day, the tall glass monoliths sparkling in the morning light. His hand was sketching the cityscape, a simple pencil sketch capturing the brilliance of sparkling buildings, giving them a vitality unseen by passersby.
His back to the door, Neal was so focused on his work that he did not notice the two men, one carrying a file, who walked into the room until one of them leaned over his shoulder and gasped.
"Oh my G-d, Peter!"
-------------
And from there it's as Ultracape wrote it, presenting Neal with an opportunity to wriggle out of his pickle.
This is an exercise in SHOW DON'T TELL.
In narrative or screenwriting, you must create VISUAL IMAGES out of intangibles, just as commercial writers have to make you want to buy a perfume or a particular brand of toothpaste.
Things that have to be illustrated are emotions, attitudes, moods, character, relationship, background, backstory without exposition.
So let's go through what I wrote again, looking for how I did that. Then you can go through what you did, and see if you can think of a better way to do what you did.
So here's my scene again with comments in CAPS.
---------
The motorpool sedan lumbered over the broken field. (OPENING IMAGE - A ROUGH JOURNEY NEARING AN END)
Neal Caffrey sat beside his handler, Peter Burke, who wrestled the car up next to a row of identical ones and parked it precisely in line.
(CHARACTERIZATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP (BESIDE) AND OF PETER (NEAT, CAREFUL, ORGANIZED, RULE-CONSCIOUS). SETTING AND BACKSTORY INDICATED - IDENTICAL CARS - FORESHADOWS THEY ARE FBI - FORESHADOWS THE IMAGE OF 4 MEN TOGETHER)
Neal clutched a plain brown wrapped package in his lap
MYSTERY, A QUESTION IS PLANTED, WHAT'S IN THE PACKAGE, WHY CLUTCHED? CHARACTERIZATION, CLUTCHING - NOT LIKE NEAL TO HANG ON. RELUCTANT TO CHANGE.
ALSO NOTE USE OF SYMBOLISM THROUGHOUT -- IF YOU HAVEN'T STUDIED THE USE OF SYMBOLISM SEE THIS POST
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2009/03/communicating-in-symbols.html
and noted the hint of a smirk on Peter's otherwise friendly face.
CHARACTERIZATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP - WHAT NEAL NOTICES; OF PETER'S PERSONALITY; AND FORESHADOWS TO THOSE WHO WATCH THE SHOW THAT SOMETHING REALLY INTERESTING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN AND NEAL ISN'T HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
Peter got out, pocketing the keys and leaned on the open door.
BACKSTORY SYMBOLIZED WITH TYPICAL COP STANCE BEHIND OPEN CAR DOOR, CHARACTERIZES PETER IN METICULOUS POCKETING OF KEYS, ALSO SHOWS WITHOUT TELLING THAT NEAL HAS NO WAY OUT OF THIS SCENE EXCEPT FORWARD -- ONLY WE ALL KNOW HE CAN HOTWIRE THE CAR IN 15 SECONDS. BUT IF HE DID, WHAT WOULD THAT DO TO THE RELATIONSHIP. SO HE'S TRAPPED.
He surveyed the immense bon fire smoking downwind of the parked cars.
VISUAL IMAGE THAT BEGINS TO REVEAL WHERE THEY ARE AND WHAT'S HAPPENING. IT'S ALSO A VISUAL HOOK INTO THE SCENE.
On the other side of the fire, a small fire truck and four geared up firemen supervised the flames.
SHOWS WITHOUT TELLING THAT THIS BON FIRE IS LEGIT, ON PURPOSE.
On this side, four guys in F.B.I. jackets watched, hands in their pockets.
TYPICAL GUY STANCE WHEN COMMUNING WITH BUDDIES, NON-THREATENING BODY LANGUAGE, YET STRONG, INDIVIDUAL AND SELF-CONFIDENT BODY LANGUAGE. ALSO JACKETS SHOW DON'T TELL THAT THIS IS AN FBI OP.
Peter looked back at Neal, eyebrows raised. "Well? You going to pay off this bet, or not?"
AHA, DOWN TO BRASS TACKS OF THE SCENE. PAY OFF WHAT?
NOTICE THAT SHOWING WITHOUT TELLING IS ROOTED IN PROMPTING THE READER/VIEWER TO ASK QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU PROVIDE ANSWERS. THAT'S INFORMATION FEED TECHNIQUE, AND THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF STORYTELLING.
I'm not a welcher. Never have been. Even Peter knows that. I thought.
NEAL'S SELF-IMAGE IS SHOWN BY HIS PRIDE IN KEEPING HIS WORD. RELATIONSHIP IS SHOWN IN THAT NEAL KNOWS PETER KNOWS NEAL'S CHARACTER IS STRONG. THEN DOUBT CREEPS IN - THE BAREST HINT WITH "I THOUGHT". ULTRACAPE TOLD US NEAL'S SELF-IMAGE WAS CRUMBLING UNDER THE REALITY OF HIS LOSS OF HIS SOUL-MATE, AND HERE WE SEE WITH OUR OWN EYES THE FRISSON OF THE FIRST CRACKS IN NEAL'S SELF-IMAGE SHOWING UP IN HIS SOLID RELATIONSHIP WITH PETER.
Neal got out, slammed his door, and tucked the package under his arm. "What now?" The bon fire of counterfeit currency blazed merrily.
ACTION MOVES THE PLOT OF THIS SCENE ALONG. AND A TAG-LINE OF TELL REVEALS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT, AND MOST READERS NO DOUBT SUSPECTED, A CONTROLLED DISPOSAL OF COUNTERFEIT CURRENCY -- NEAL'S BIGGEST SKILL IS COUNTERFEITING CURRENCY OR ARTWORK. IT'S HIS LIFE, THE PRODUCT OF ALL HIS EFFORTS TO LIVE WELL, GOING UP IN SMOKE UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE AUTHORITIES. IT IS DEFEAT IN IMAGES.
"WHAT NOW?" IS THE CORE OF THE DILEMMA ULTRACAPE SKETCHES IN THE OPENING TELL. NEAL IS AT A SYMBOLIC CROSSROADS IN HIS LIFE, NOTHING LEFT BEHIND, NOTHING VISIBLE AHEAD, FAILURE AT EVERYTHING, NOTHING TO PEG HIS SELF-ESTEEM ON ANY MORE. HE HIMSELF IS GOING UP IN SMOKE.
"Follow me."
AGAIN THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THEM IS SHOWN.
AN ALTERNATIVE WAY TO DEPICT THIS BIT OF THE SCENE IS TO HAVE NEAL HEAVE HIMSELF OUT OF THE CAR, STALK AGGRESSIVELY ACROSS THE FIELD, AND HURL HIS PACKAGE INTO THE FLAMES WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION, TURN AND BELLIGERANTLY YELL AT PETER, "SATISFIED?" -- THAT WOULD CHANGE THE CHARACTERIZATION, THE RELATIONSHIP, AND THE GIST OF THE STORY.
Peter led the way up to the group of F.B.I. guys, hitched his suit jacket back and shoved his hands in his pockets, starting to talk before Neal got close enough to hear against the wind.
SHOW'S WITHOUT TELLING PETER'S A MEMBER OF THE FRATERNITY, ACCEPTED. ALL ULTRACAPE'S EXPOSITION ABOUT ACCEPTANCE IS WRAPPED UP IN THIS AND SUBSQUENT IMAGES, SHOWN IN IMAGES NOT TOLD IN WORDS.
As he approached, Neal's artist's eye took a snapshot of the tableau.
THIS STORY IS ABOUT NEAL'S ARTISTIC ABILITY, SO HERE THAT IS SHOWN WITHOUT TELLING, SHOWN WITH ACTION AND DESCRIPTION.
NOW COMES SOME DESCRIPTION TO ILLUSTRATE THE EMOTIONAL CONTENT OF THE IMAGE NEAL CAPTURES WITH HIS ARTIST'S EYE.
In one instant, the group opened and swallowed Peter, becoming a group of five F.B.I. guys, one of which didn't wear a labeled jacket. But five F.B.I. guys, solid and unbreakable.
Odd man out, Neal joined the group, very aware that it was still five guys and him, not six guys.
AGAIN NEAL'S UNCHARACTERISTIC SENSE OF ALIENATION SURFACES, AND IT SURFACES IN THE IMAGE OF THE FIVE GUYS AND HIM -- IT IS THE ARTIST IN HIM THAT IS ABLE TO EXPRESS EMOTION THAT HE OTHERWISE COULD NOT FACE VERBALLY.
"...sure thing," one of them was saying. "But I have to see what's in the package first."
"No problem," replied Peter, and gestured casually to Neal to unwrap the package in his arm.
AGAIN, WHO'S BOSS AND WHO'S OUTSIDER ILLUSTRATED, AND WE NOW MOVE TO REVEAL WHAT WAS CONCEALED IN THE SECOND PARAGRAPH OF THIS SCENE, CLUTCHING A BROWN PAPER WRAPPED PACKAGE.
Neal held the bottom of the package and ripped the taped shut top open.
"Oil paintings, on canvass," said Peter. "They'll burn easily. All forgeries, we don't ever want to get back into circulation, if you know what I mean."
One of the guys plucked a rolled canvass out of the package and held it open. He whistled. "You sure this isn't the real thing?"
FORESHADOWING THAT THIS ENTIRE THING IS ABOUT NEAL'S ART - AND ALSO HIGHLIGHTING THE SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE AT THE CORE OF THE STORY.
Neal interjected, "They're not."
WORD INTERJECTED ILLUSTRATES NEAL IS THE OUTSIDER HERE. AN INSIDER WOULD ADD OR ANSWER. HE'S NOT EVEN BEING ADDRESSED AND MUST INTERJECT.
The guy asked, "How do you know?" And he scrutinized Neal, as if checking his face against memorized wanted photos.
AGAIN REJECTION. SURELY BY NOW EVERYONE IN THE FBI KNOWS NEAL'S FACE. BUT NO, HERE'S A CREW THAT DOESN'T RECOGNIZE HIM. NEAL IS FORCED TO SAY:
"I painted them."
BY LEAVING OUT LONG DESCRIPTION OF THE STRANGLED TONE OF VOICE NEAL IS USING HERE, THE GRATING SOUND OF IT ON HIS OWN EARS, THE BARE WORDS CARRY THE SUBTEXT AND LET EACH READER INTERPRET HOW THE LINE IS DELIVERED FOR THEMSELVES, THUS MAKING THIS SCENE THEIR OWN.
All four guys riveted eyes on Neal.
NOW HE'S GOT THEIR ATTENTION - DOES HE REALLY WANT IT. BUT AGAIN, HE'S ODD MAN OUT.
"So," Peter broke in, "can we feed your fire?"
ILLUSTRATES THEIR RELATIONSHIP - PETER SAVING NEAL FROM EMBARRASSMENT AT THE HANDS OF PETER'S COLLEAGUES. PETER, MEMBER OF THE FRATERNITY; NEAL, OUTSIDER.
"Go ahead." The guy handed Neal back the rolled painting.
STAGE BUSINESS HERE AN ACTOR COULD MAKE A LOT OUT OF. LET THE READER READ IT.
Peter gestured to Neal and the moment of paying off his bet with Peter came upon him like a cold shower. He'd been stupid to open his mouth and volunteer to burn these himself. He had been so sure he'd been right about Dorothy Putnam's double timing her S.E.C. boss on those CDO's. But she'd been lily white, and Peter had won the bet.
HERE NEAL'S INNER DIALOGUE IS REVEALED WITH SOME NARRATIVE, AND THE OFFHAND REFERENCE TO AN EVENT NOT MENTIONED IN ULTRACAPE'S OPENING IS INSERTED TO SHOW DON'T TELL THAT NEAL IS NOT ONLY AT THE NADIR OF HIS LIFE, BUT INSULT TO INJURY HE'D LEAD THE FBI IN THE WRONG DIRECTION ON THEIR LAST CASE -- ON THE TV SHOW THERE IS NO DOROTHY PUTNAM OR SEC SCANDAL OR CDO BUSINESS. I JUST MADE THAT UP FOR A BET NEAL HAD JUST LOST.
Neal walked up to the fire, gaining the alert attention of both firemen at the left and right of the pile of burning currency.
A gust of wind drove the flames and smoke away from Neal, and he took that moment to hurl the first painting onto the fire.
SYMBOLIC OF WHERE HE IS IN LIFE, HURLING HIS PAST INTO THE FIRE BECAUSE IT'S ALL A WORTHLESS SHAM.
I can make more. he thought grimly as he flung each painting onto the leaping flames. So why does this hurt?
AS MOST MEN, NEAL FEELS HIS FEELINGS BUT HAS NO CLUE (AND DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE) WHERE THEY COME FROM OR WHY HE FEELS. HE KNOWS HE CAN "MAKE MORE" -- REBUILD HIS LIFE -- BUT ON MORE SHAM, MORE CONS, A FALSE AND FAKE LIFE WORTH NOTHING BUT BURNING IN A BLEAK, OPEN FIELD UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYES OF THE AUTHORITIES.
The brown wrapper followed the canvasses, flapping in the wind.
REALLY NOTHING LEFT, NOT EVEN THE WRAPPER.
WHAT HE HAD CLUTCHED TO HIMSELF, HE HAS NOW THROWN AWAY. THIS IS THE BACKSTORY OF THE WHOLE TV SERIES UP TO "NOW" WHEN ULTRACAPE SOLVES THE PROBLEM EVER SO NEATLY.
Neal turned to face the welded together group of five F.B.I. guys and paced the distance back to them.
OK, BRAVELY FACE THE FUTURE.
He could have just let me burn them in my fireplace.
AGAIN THE MORPHING RELATIONSHIP, THE UNCERTAINTY THAT HE EVEN UNDERSTANDS PETER.
He made it back to the car certain he'd shown no hint of the pain he didn't let himself feel.
THIS INVITES FANFIC READERS TO RE-WATCH ALL THE SHOWS FOR HINTS OF NEAL'S INNER LIFE SHOWING THROUGH WHEN HE THINKS IT DOESN'T. ALSO AGAIN, ANOTHER SHOW DON'T TELL OF HOW THE FACE HE TURNS TO THE OUTER WORLD IS A CONSTRUCT, NOT WHAT HE KNOWS AS HIS TRUE SELF. HE DOESN'T LET HIMSELF FEEL HIS OWN PAIN, SO IT WON'T SHOW, BECAUSE - WHAT? IF IT DID SHOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN? REJECTION? AGAIN, THE POINTS OF CHARACTERIZATION ULTRACAPE HIGHLIGHTED ARE SHOWN, NOT TOLD. BUT IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN HER NEAL WOULD DO IT.
By the time they arrived at the office, Neal's back had relaxed enough for him to stride freely down the corridor, even though fully aware of each of his freehand sketches displayed on the walls.
HERE WE JOIN THE NARRATIVE ULTRACAPE WROTE WITH A DIFFERENT SEGUE. HER OPENING "THEY HUNG IN ALMOST EVERY OFFICE" IS REALLY COOL, AND I WAS VERY SORRY TO LOSE IT. SO I PUT IT IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH, AFTER REVEALING WHAT "THEY" ARE -- BETTER THAN SCRAPPING IT TOTALLY.
They hung in almost every office, were tacked on nearly all the peg boards and some having been enthusiastically signed with a flourish by the grinning artist were framed and brought home and displayed in places of honor.
He realized he'd been doing a lot more of those sketches since the murder of his lady love. There were few in the F.B.I.'s White Collar Crime Division who had not been captured in a Neal Caffery original sketch.
Why do they keep them? The scene of the morning returned full force, Peter melding seamlessly into the group of four F.B.I. guys, and himself apart. He tried to shake it off. They don't see me as just some tool to be used by whoever needs my unique skills!
But Neal knew that as far as those four guys were concerned, he deserved to be in prison, or dead, if they could only remember the right wanted poster.
But I've decided to do whatever it takes to stay out of prison, and I can do whatever I decide to do. Right?
Peter's phone rang. As he slipped it from his pocket, he said, "Neal, wait for me in my office, okay? I'll be right back." And he took off down the hall, phone to his ear.
Neal sighed and watched him go. See? What did I tell you? he told himself silently. I'm just a convenience, a crime solving appliance.
BLENDING INTO ULTRACAPE'S FIRST SCENE, BRINGING A SHOW DON'T TELL IMAGE INTO THE APPROACH TO THE OFFICE, CREATING AN EXIT FOR PETER SO HE CAN RE-ENTER WITH THE GUEST AND NEW OFFER.
He slipped into Peter's office and took out his small sketch pad he he carried for waiting-room-moments.
As usual, his thoughts drifted off to Kate and flashes of their life together, always ending with the explosion that took her from him.
But this time, it was just a burst of brightness from the sun angling its rays against a building and reflecting suddenly onto his face, not an orange and angry black explosion.
He became aware he was staring out at the clear day, the tall glass monoliths sparkling in the morning light. His hand was sketching the cityscape, a simple pencil sketch capturing the brilliance of sparkling buildings, giving them a vitality unseen by passersby.
His back to the door, Neal was so focused on his work that he did not notice the two men, one carrying a file, who walked into the room until one of them leaned over his shoulder and gasped.
"Oh my G-d, Peter!"
AS PETER BRINGS HIS GUEST AND SUGGESTION INTO NEAL'S LIFE, WITH THAT BURNING PAINTINGS SCENE TACKED ONTO THE OPENING, WE HAVE A REVERSAL OR SWITCH, A BIG TURNABOUT IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
IN MY OPENING SCENE, NEAL IS FEELING -- NOT THINKING -- THAT PETER HAS REALLY ABANDONED HIM, THAT PETER IS BEING CRUEL ON PURPOSE IN SOME WAY, AND NEAL ISN'T SURE HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT. NEAL IS JUST IN GRIEVING MODE, TOTALLY LOST, AND FEELING ABANDONED BY PETER, HIS LAST FRIEND. BUT HERE, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT'S REVERSED, AND PETER IS PROVIDING A SOLUTION THAT TAKES INTO ACCOUNT WHAT ART REALLY MEANS TO NEAL, A MEANING NEAL HIMSELF HAS NO CLUE (YET) EXISTS.
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Now, go over the scene you constructed, identify the techniques you did use, and make sure you've used all of the ones I've noted above.
Make your scene says what you want it to say, and with the characterization spin that you prefer -- but make it clear and vivid what your spin actually is.
This is a drill in SHOW DON'T TELL which is designed to prompt you to carry the dynamic evolution of a new icon for modern Romance into the future. It's all about Relationship shown but not told.
For more on the Romance iconization, see:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2010/04/turning-action-into-romance.html
Jacqueline Lichtenberg
http://jacquelinelichtenberg.com
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2010/04/7-pursuits-to-teach-yourself-writing.html
and
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2010/04/7-pursuits-to-teach-yourself-writing_27.html
One very fruitful exercise in teaching yourself to write is writing fan fiction about your favorite TV show or movie characters.
So now we're going to use the USA Networks TV show White Collar for a lesson (an arduous lesson) in SHOW DON'T TELL. I'm going to try to show-not-tell how to show-not-tell, then explain what I did and give you a chance to do the drill.
You don't need to have watched White Collar to grasp the elements in this drill, but it might help to browse the website for White Collar.
http://www.usanetwork.com/series/whitecollar/ (the website comes on with audio-commercials)
Writing is a performing art, as I've told you I was taught, and as such it is a vocation, a calling, more than a profession. Writing is a lifestyle.
Writers do it even when reading. Can't help it. If you're a writer, you are constantly and incessantly rewriting everything you read, or even TV shows you watch -- even great TV shows like White Collar. Yes, Watching TV is work for a writer. I watch about 6 hours of fiction a week.
So a friend of mine pointed me to a bit of fanfic she had written based on White Collar. She's a seasoned professional writer who can't write without plot, pacing, style, structure, and conflict that resolves. Like all writers, she rewrites TV shows as she watches them, then continues to write the show's story-arc, fixing little things here and there.
Like me, she watches White Collar with an eye on the pickle Neal finds himself in.
That situational pickle is why I like the show. I liked Remington Steele, Quantum Leap and It Takes A Thief for the same reason - the pickle inherent in the situation.
Most TV series, especially anthology series, don't address the inherent pickle.
That pickle is called the "springboard" and is a vehicle to get you into the story, not something that they intend to resolve.
Quantum Leap is a good example. Only occasional episodes addressed the physics of the problem that got Dr. Sam Beckett stuck leaping from one time to another or how to get him out of that pickle. The point of the show was "solving problems" in people's lives by taking over their life from inside their own body.
But the only thing that interested me was the pickle and the solution, not the problems of the people he visited.
Time Travel Romance routinely does this too. The mechanism of the time travel leap is more fascinating to me than the Romance unless the writer can make them one and the same -- the novel A Knight In Shining Armor now out on Kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/Knight-Shining-Armor-ebook/dp/B000FC0QO8/rereadablebooksr/
is an example of making the Romance more prominent than the time-travel mechanism.
So, in the TV Show White Collar, the Romance and the pickle are intertwined perfectly. You've got to solve the pickle to solve the Romance. You've got to solve the Romance to solve the pickle.
Neal agrees to work for the F.B.I. helping catch white collar criminals (his colleagues and rivals) in order to get out of jail so that he can find and maybe rescue his lover, the one serious relationship in his life.
At the point of this story, Neal has just seen his soul mate killed in an explosion and has nothing left. The F.B.I. has him on a leash (an ankle tracking device). Meanwhile, he's become good friends with the only cop ever to catch him. The cop keeps tempting him to go straight. And any romance reader can see Neal's wide-open to a new lover, but not emotionally settled enough yet.
So my friend the writer starts plotting, and out comes a (brilliant) solution to Neal's pickle.
It's 2AM after a hard day writing for pay, and she's jumping up and down with this fabulous idea. Got to write it or she won't sleep a wink, nevermind write the next piece in a way that can earn her pay. The mind writes what the mind writes.
So she wades in to solve Neal's pickle in a real quick fanfic. She's tired and wants to get right to her idea. This piece is aimed only at those who watch this show's episodes over and over and probably write fanfic about it themselves. They know the material, they don't need an introduction just a quick sketch of her particular variation on Neal's character, and then into the story she wants to write.
So she perpetrates the biggest no-no in the writing craft, right up front of her story where it really matters, she starts off with tell rather than show, cramming in some foreshadowing that doesn't belong in the opening, then dashes off the story itself and posts it. As an afterthought, she points me to the first chapter of the story (which already has rave reviews being posted), "Look what I wrote. What do you think?" And of course she's referring to her solution to the pickle.
And what do I do?
I rewrite her opening tell into show and send it to her.
I had a grand old time writing fanfic to my friend's fanfic. Then I realized I'd done a writing lesson I could use to show you what I've been talking about when I say "show don't tell" -- my friend does not need this lesson and knows that I know that. She was not offended when I showed her my scene, and even agreed to let me use it for you.
Here's the URL for the story she posted - it has 7 chapters you can find in the dropdown at the upper right:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885164/1/Grace_In_The_Confidence_of_Others
Here's the opening paragraphs as she wrote them. Read them, study, and rewrite them as SHOW rather than TELL before reading what I did.
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Summary – When Neal is playing a con, pulling a heist or creating a forgery, he has all the confidence in the world. But when these tools are not an option the only thing he has to save himself and the lives of others is something he's not too sure of at all, his own self worth.
Grace in the con fidence of others
Chapter 1/7
By Ultracape
They hung in almost every office, were tacked on nearly all the peg boards and some having been enthusiastically signed with a flourish by the grinning artist were framed and brought home and displayed in places of honor. There were few in the F.B.I.'s White Collar Crime Division who had not yet felt graced with a Neal Caffery original sketch.
It was the easiest con he'd every pulled, even if it was totally unintentional, and nothing to be proud of. As far as Neal was concerned if they were foolish enough to think his creations were any good he'd brag about his talent and play along. Then maybe he would not be the first one people looked to when something went missing in the office. Maybe he could get through a day feeling like his honest work meant something.
Even when he put his life on the line, something that happened with increasing frequency it seemed, it was not his word people trusted, it was his tracking anklet and the ever present threat of prison for the slightest infraction of what he felt were arbitrary and inconvenient rules, just begging to be broken for a good or even not so good cause.
The thing was, while it was rare for Neal to find any task difficult, when he did face difficulty, he did not have the experience to work it through. Fitting in, being accepted; playing by the rules eluded him, frustrated him and turned every day into a struggle to achieve what seemed to come so easily to others.
Gaining people's respect and trust in a persona for a con, for a heist, for the space of no more than a few weeks, was easy, especially for a man of Neal's brilliance. But earning the trust of others with nothing to show for his life but a list of alleged crimes, one conviction and a prison term was a greater challenge than he'd ever faced.
None but Neal's handler, partner and friend, F.B.I. Special Agent Peter Burke, could see through the armor of his fashionable suits, his charming veneer, his eagerness to be helpful, his know it all (because he did) attitude and his wit and puppy dog eyes to the troubled, childlike soul, the person who thought of himself as worth less than his doodles.
Now, just months since his girlfriend, Kate, had been killed, Neal's self-confidence was at an all time low. As far as Neal was concerned, the murder of his lady love, had been the final blow showing him that no matter what he did, what he accomplished, he was worth nothing, just some tool to be used by whoever needed his considerable criminal talents.
If trading his life for a hostage was needed it was no problem, and good riddance if said trade ended in his death. Thievery and coercion were against the law except if some mysterious uber-leader wanted to maneuver Neal into steeling something that supposedly didn't exist from a foreign government. But once Neal accomplished the deed, blowing him up was a convenient way to get rid of his inconvenient presence. And just for fun, pining a crime on him to cover up someone else's misdeeds was no big deal. As far as everyone was concerned, Neal deserved to be in prison, or dead.
Fine, he got the message. He was free as long as they could use him and his choices were prison or death and Neal did not want to go back to prison. Maybe this early morning meeting with Peter would lead to a means to an end. His experience as a consultant for the F.B.I. showed him how easy it was to step in front of a bullet even when he wasn't trying.
Having arrived early, Neal took out his small sketch pad he always kept with him to occupy his time. As usual, his thoughts drifted off to Kate and flashes of their life together, always ending with the explosion that took her from him. It was just that burst of brightness, this time from the sun angling its rays against a building and reflecting suddenly onto his face that he became aware he was staring out at the clear day, the tall glass monoliths sparkling in the morning light. He was halfway done before he even realized he was sketching the cityscape, somehow, even in black and white, capturing the brilliance of sparkling buildings, giving them a vitality unseen by passersby. His back to the door, Neal was so focused on his work that he did not notice the two men, one carrying a file, who walked into the room until one of them gasped.
"Oh my G-d, Peter!"
------------
OK, to do a good job rewriting this opening, you should read the whole story, all 7 Chapters, but I had read only this first chapter to the end before I couldn't resist creating a SHOW out of this TELL opening.
For the purposes of this drill, just reading that first chapter should be enough.
I'm going to show you here an illustration of a simple fact I learned from Marion Zimmer Bradley. Writing is a craft. It can be trained into you like driving, tennis, pottery. The training consists of drill-drill-drill, and that's about it. Talent of course helps, but is neither a necessary or sufficient condition to doing what I'm going to show you.
This is an exercise in "put in the data and grind the crank." It is a mechanical exercise devoid of artistic dimensions. It is an exercise in walking and chewing gum. It is an exercise in doing a lot of writing craft techniques simultaneously, and cross-integrating each with the other.
This scene appeared in my mind, WHOLE and complete, produced by the training my subconscious has endured over the years. Writing it down only took a few minutes. I did not think about this. I didn't laboriously figure it out. My subconscious produced the scene in a flash-photo and I knew it was the SHOW that corresponds to the TELL in this story opening just twisted into my own characters.
I watch this TV show, and I have inside my own head, a Neal & Peter set that doesn't resemble those my friend writes about here. So in writing the scene down, I distorted her characters, and deleted points she had inserted as foreshadowing of the subsequent events that I hadn't read about yet.
For her to attach my opening scene to her story would mean the entire thing would have to be rewritten, after rewriting my opening to correct the characters to be her own characters. The foreshadowing I deleted would have to be moved to later. And then the pacing and plot and everything else would have to be adjusted.
Had she stopped to create an opening scene instead of the long "tell" opening, it would have been an entirely different scene than the one I concocted.
This will be the case with anything you come up with to cast that TELL opening into a SHOW opening. Your Neal (whether you've watched the show or not) is not my Neal or Ultracape's Neal.
That's what makes fanfic so much fun! You can have your cake and eat it too! You can have dozens, even hundreds, of versions of the same character in various versions of a pickle, and watch the problem get worked out in thousands of ways.
If you have no idea how to transform her TELL into a SHOW, here's a clue. You need to create a SCENE in which almost all the information in her TELL is illustrated by visuals, by things, by actions, and by acting business.
To show not tell, you need to create a scene, so your piece must have a scene's STRUCTURE.
If you don't know the rules for creating a scene, first read:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2009/07/6-tricks-of-scene-structure.html
And it's sequel post:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2009/07/6-tricks-of-scene-structure-part-2.html
Yes, "show don't tell" means "construct a scene that conveys this without saying this."
Scene Structure mastery cures Expository Lumps.
Ultracape's opening "TELL" is mostly exposition.
If you don't know what an Expository Lump is, or have been excoriated by your beta readers for expository lumps (or told your writing is boring), read these posts first:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2008/08/source-of-expository-lump.html
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2008/09/sexy-information-feed.html
And this one focusing on Michelle West's novel THE HIDDEN CITY as an example of information feed.
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2008/09/for-my-review-column-httpwww.html
I call what Ultracape did for the opening "information feed" - and she chose telling the information as exposition and narrative instead of showing it with a full fleshed scene.
She did that because it's easier and faster. You will find that you do it often, too, and on rewrite you are faced with the problem of how to fix it. Sometimes a scene is the solution, so this exercise may help you meet a looming deadline one day.
WRITE YOUR OWN SCENE NOW.
OK, now here's what I did with it. Read what I did, then we'll go through it again, identifying the craft skills for various items in this scene. Then you can rewrite what you did, if you think it's warranted. You can post your results as a comment on this blog to get feedback.
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GRACE IN THE CON FIDENCE OF OTHERS
(opening rewrite by Jacqueline Lichtenberg)
The motor pool sedan lumbered over the broken field.
Neal Caffrey sat beside his handler, Peter Burke, who wrestled the car up next to a row of identical ones and parked it precisely in line. Neal clutched a plain brown wrapped package in his lap and noted the hint of a smirk on Peter's otherwise friendly face.
Peter got out, pocketing the keys and leaned on the open door. He surveyed the immense bon fire smoking downwind of the parked cars. On the other side of the fire, a small fire truck and four geared up firemen supervised the flames. On this side, four guys in F.B.I. jackets watched, hands in their pockets.
Peter looked back at Neal, eyebrows raised. "Well? You going to pay off this bet, or not?"
I'm not a welcher. Never have been. Even Peter knows that. I thought.
Neal got out, slammed his door, and tucked the package under his arm. "What now?" The bon fire of counterfeit currency blazed merrily.
"Follow me."
Peter led the way up to the group of F.B.I. guys, hitched his suit jacket back and shoved his hands in his pockets, starting to talk before Neal got close enough to hear against the wind.
As he approached, Neal's artist's eye took a snapshot of the tableau.
In one instant, the group opened and swallowed Peter, becoming a group of five F.B.I. guys, one of which didn't wear a labeled jacket. But five F.B.I. guys, solid and unbreakable.
Odd man out, Neal joined the group, very aware that it was still five guys and him, not six guys.
"...sure thing," one of them was saying. "But I have to see what's in the package first."
"No problem," replied Peter, and gestured casually to Neal to unwrap the package in his arm.
Neal held the bottom of the package and ripped the taped shut top open.
"Oil paintings, on canvass," said Peter. "They'll burn easily. All forgeries, we don't ever want to get back into circulation, if you know what I mean."
One of the guys plucked a rolled canvass out of the package and held it open. He whistled. "You sure this isn't the real thing?"
Neal interjected, "They're not."
The guy asked, "How do you know?" And he scrutinized Neal, as if checking his face against memorized wanted photos.
"I painted them."
All four guys riveted eyes on Neal.
"So," Peter broke in, "can we feed your fire?"
"Go ahead." The guy handed Neal back the rolled painting.
Peter gestured to Neal and the moment of paying off his bet with Peter came upon him like a cold shower. He'd been stupid to open his mouth and volunteer to burn these himself. He had been so sure he'd been right about Dorothy Putnam's double timing her S.E.C. boss on those CDO's. But she'd been lily white, and Peter had won the bet.
Neal walked up to the fire, gaining the alert attention of both firemen at the left and right of the pile of burning currency.
A gust of wind drove the flames and smoke away from Neal, and he took that moment to hurl the first painting onto the fire.
I can make more. he thought grimly as he flung each painting onto the leaping flames. So why does this hurt?
The brown wrapper followed the canvasses, flapping in the wind.
Neal turned to face the welded together group of five F.B.I. guys and paced the distance back to them.
He could have just let me burn them in my fireplace. He made it back to the car certain he'd shown no hint of the pain he didn't let himself feel.
By the time they arrived at the office, Neal's back had relaxed enough for him to stride freely down the corridor, even though fully aware of each of his freehand sketches displayed on the walls.
They hung in almost every office, were tacked on nearly all the peg boards and some having been enthusiastically signed with a flourish by the grinning artist were framed and brought home and displayed in places of honor.
He realized he'd been doing a lot more of those sketches since the murder of his lady love. There were few in the F.B.I.'s White Collar Crime Division who had not been captured in a Neal Caffery original sketch.
Why do they keep them? The scene of the morning returned full force, Peter melding seamlessly into the group of four F.B.I. guys, and himself apart. He tried to shake it off. They don't see me as just some tool to be used by whoever needs my unique skills!
But Neal knew that as far as those four guys were concerned, he deserved to be in prison, or dead, if they could only remember the right wanted poster.
But I've decided to do whatever it takes to stay out of prison, and I can do whatever I decide to do. Right?
Peter's phone rang. As he slipped it from his pocket, he said, "Neal, wait for me in my office, okay? I'll be right back." And he took off down the hall, phone to his ear.
Neal sighed and watched him go. See? What did I tell you? he told himself silently. I'm just a convenience, a crime solving appliance.
He slipped into Peter's office and took out his small sketch pad he he carried for waiting-room-moments.
As usual, his thoughts drifted off to Kate and flashes of their life together, always ending with the explosion that took her from him.
But this time, it was just a burst of brightness from the sun angling its rays against a building and reflecting suddenly onto his face, not an orange and angry black explosion.
He became aware he was staring out at the clear day, the tall glass monoliths sparkling in the morning light. His hand was sketching the cityscape, a simple pencil sketch capturing the brilliance of sparkling buildings, giving them a vitality unseen by passersby.
His back to the door, Neal was so focused on his work that he did not notice the two men, one carrying a file, who walked into the room until one of them leaned over his shoulder and gasped.
"Oh my G-d, Peter!"
-------------
And from there it's as Ultracape wrote it, presenting Neal with an opportunity to wriggle out of his pickle.
This is an exercise in SHOW DON'T TELL.
In narrative or screenwriting, you must create VISUAL IMAGES out of intangibles, just as commercial writers have to make you want to buy a perfume or a particular brand of toothpaste.
Things that have to be illustrated are emotions, attitudes, moods, character, relationship, background, backstory without exposition.
So let's go through what I wrote again, looking for how I did that. Then you can go through what you did, and see if you can think of a better way to do what you did.
So here's my scene again with comments in CAPS.
---------
The motorpool sedan lumbered over the broken field. (OPENING IMAGE - A ROUGH JOURNEY NEARING AN END)
Neal Caffrey sat beside his handler, Peter Burke, who wrestled the car up next to a row of identical ones and parked it precisely in line.
(CHARACTERIZATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP (BESIDE) AND OF PETER (NEAT, CAREFUL, ORGANIZED, RULE-CONSCIOUS). SETTING AND BACKSTORY INDICATED - IDENTICAL CARS - FORESHADOWS THEY ARE FBI - FORESHADOWS THE IMAGE OF 4 MEN TOGETHER)
Neal clutched a plain brown wrapped package in his lap
MYSTERY, A QUESTION IS PLANTED, WHAT'S IN THE PACKAGE, WHY CLUTCHED? CHARACTERIZATION, CLUTCHING - NOT LIKE NEAL TO HANG ON. RELUCTANT TO CHANGE.
ALSO NOTE USE OF SYMBOLISM THROUGHOUT -- IF YOU HAVEN'T STUDIED THE USE OF SYMBOLISM SEE THIS POST
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2009/03/communicating-in-symbols.html
and noted the hint of a smirk on Peter's otherwise friendly face.
CHARACTERIZATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP - WHAT NEAL NOTICES; OF PETER'S PERSONALITY; AND FORESHADOWS TO THOSE WHO WATCH THE SHOW THAT SOMETHING REALLY INTERESTING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN AND NEAL ISN'T HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
Peter got out, pocketing the keys and leaned on the open door.
BACKSTORY SYMBOLIZED WITH TYPICAL COP STANCE BEHIND OPEN CAR DOOR, CHARACTERIZES PETER IN METICULOUS POCKETING OF KEYS, ALSO SHOWS WITHOUT TELLING THAT NEAL HAS NO WAY OUT OF THIS SCENE EXCEPT FORWARD -- ONLY WE ALL KNOW HE CAN HOTWIRE THE CAR IN 15 SECONDS. BUT IF HE DID, WHAT WOULD THAT DO TO THE RELATIONSHIP. SO HE'S TRAPPED.
He surveyed the immense bon fire smoking downwind of the parked cars.
VISUAL IMAGE THAT BEGINS TO REVEAL WHERE THEY ARE AND WHAT'S HAPPENING. IT'S ALSO A VISUAL HOOK INTO THE SCENE.
On the other side of the fire, a small fire truck and four geared up firemen supervised the flames.
SHOWS WITHOUT TELLING THAT THIS BON FIRE IS LEGIT, ON PURPOSE.
On this side, four guys in F.B.I. jackets watched, hands in their pockets.
TYPICAL GUY STANCE WHEN COMMUNING WITH BUDDIES, NON-THREATENING BODY LANGUAGE, YET STRONG, INDIVIDUAL AND SELF-CONFIDENT BODY LANGUAGE. ALSO JACKETS SHOW DON'T TELL THAT THIS IS AN FBI OP.
Peter looked back at Neal, eyebrows raised. "Well? You going to pay off this bet, or not?"
AHA, DOWN TO BRASS TACKS OF THE SCENE. PAY OFF WHAT?
NOTICE THAT SHOWING WITHOUT TELLING IS ROOTED IN PROMPTING THE READER/VIEWER TO ASK QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU PROVIDE ANSWERS. THAT'S INFORMATION FEED TECHNIQUE, AND THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF STORYTELLING.
I'm not a welcher. Never have been. Even Peter knows that. I thought.
NEAL'S SELF-IMAGE IS SHOWN BY HIS PRIDE IN KEEPING HIS WORD. RELATIONSHIP IS SHOWN IN THAT NEAL KNOWS PETER KNOWS NEAL'S CHARACTER IS STRONG. THEN DOUBT CREEPS IN - THE BAREST HINT WITH "I THOUGHT". ULTRACAPE TOLD US NEAL'S SELF-IMAGE WAS CRUMBLING UNDER THE REALITY OF HIS LOSS OF HIS SOUL-MATE, AND HERE WE SEE WITH OUR OWN EYES THE FRISSON OF THE FIRST CRACKS IN NEAL'S SELF-IMAGE SHOWING UP IN HIS SOLID RELATIONSHIP WITH PETER.
Neal got out, slammed his door, and tucked the package under his arm. "What now?" The bon fire of counterfeit currency blazed merrily.
ACTION MOVES THE PLOT OF THIS SCENE ALONG. AND A TAG-LINE OF TELL REVEALS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT, AND MOST READERS NO DOUBT SUSPECTED, A CONTROLLED DISPOSAL OF COUNTERFEIT CURRENCY -- NEAL'S BIGGEST SKILL IS COUNTERFEITING CURRENCY OR ARTWORK. IT'S HIS LIFE, THE PRODUCT OF ALL HIS EFFORTS TO LIVE WELL, GOING UP IN SMOKE UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE AUTHORITIES. IT IS DEFEAT IN IMAGES.
"WHAT NOW?" IS THE CORE OF THE DILEMMA ULTRACAPE SKETCHES IN THE OPENING TELL. NEAL IS AT A SYMBOLIC CROSSROADS IN HIS LIFE, NOTHING LEFT BEHIND, NOTHING VISIBLE AHEAD, FAILURE AT EVERYTHING, NOTHING TO PEG HIS SELF-ESTEEM ON ANY MORE. HE HIMSELF IS GOING UP IN SMOKE.
"Follow me."
AGAIN THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THEM IS SHOWN.
AN ALTERNATIVE WAY TO DEPICT THIS BIT OF THE SCENE IS TO HAVE NEAL HEAVE HIMSELF OUT OF THE CAR, STALK AGGRESSIVELY ACROSS THE FIELD, AND HURL HIS PACKAGE INTO THE FLAMES WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION, TURN AND BELLIGERANTLY YELL AT PETER, "SATISFIED?" -- THAT WOULD CHANGE THE CHARACTERIZATION, THE RELATIONSHIP, AND THE GIST OF THE STORY.
Peter led the way up to the group of F.B.I. guys, hitched his suit jacket back and shoved his hands in his pockets, starting to talk before Neal got close enough to hear against the wind.
SHOW'S WITHOUT TELLING PETER'S A MEMBER OF THE FRATERNITY, ACCEPTED. ALL ULTRACAPE'S EXPOSITION ABOUT ACCEPTANCE IS WRAPPED UP IN THIS AND SUBSQUENT IMAGES, SHOWN IN IMAGES NOT TOLD IN WORDS.
As he approached, Neal's artist's eye took a snapshot of the tableau.
THIS STORY IS ABOUT NEAL'S ARTISTIC ABILITY, SO HERE THAT IS SHOWN WITHOUT TELLING, SHOWN WITH ACTION AND DESCRIPTION.
NOW COMES SOME DESCRIPTION TO ILLUSTRATE THE EMOTIONAL CONTENT OF THE IMAGE NEAL CAPTURES WITH HIS ARTIST'S EYE.
In one instant, the group opened and swallowed Peter, becoming a group of five F.B.I. guys, one of which didn't wear a labeled jacket. But five F.B.I. guys, solid and unbreakable.
Odd man out, Neal joined the group, very aware that it was still five guys and him, not six guys.
AGAIN NEAL'S UNCHARACTERISTIC SENSE OF ALIENATION SURFACES, AND IT SURFACES IN THE IMAGE OF THE FIVE GUYS AND HIM -- IT IS THE ARTIST IN HIM THAT IS ABLE TO EXPRESS EMOTION THAT HE OTHERWISE COULD NOT FACE VERBALLY.
"...sure thing," one of them was saying. "But I have to see what's in the package first."
"No problem," replied Peter, and gestured casually to Neal to unwrap the package in his arm.
AGAIN, WHO'S BOSS AND WHO'S OUTSIDER ILLUSTRATED, AND WE NOW MOVE TO REVEAL WHAT WAS CONCEALED IN THE SECOND PARAGRAPH OF THIS SCENE, CLUTCHING A BROWN PAPER WRAPPED PACKAGE.
Neal held the bottom of the package and ripped the taped shut top open.
"Oil paintings, on canvass," said Peter. "They'll burn easily. All forgeries, we don't ever want to get back into circulation, if you know what I mean."
One of the guys plucked a rolled canvass out of the package and held it open. He whistled. "You sure this isn't the real thing?"
FORESHADOWING THAT THIS ENTIRE THING IS ABOUT NEAL'S ART - AND ALSO HIGHLIGHTING THE SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE AT THE CORE OF THE STORY.
Neal interjected, "They're not."
WORD INTERJECTED ILLUSTRATES NEAL IS THE OUTSIDER HERE. AN INSIDER WOULD ADD OR ANSWER. HE'S NOT EVEN BEING ADDRESSED AND MUST INTERJECT.
The guy asked, "How do you know?" And he scrutinized Neal, as if checking his face against memorized wanted photos.
AGAIN REJECTION. SURELY BY NOW EVERYONE IN THE FBI KNOWS NEAL'S FACE. BUT NO, HERE'S A CREW THAT DOESN'T RECOGNIZE HIM. NEAL IS FORCED TO SAY:
"I painted them."
BY LEAVING OUT LONG DESCRIPTION OF THE STRANGLED TONE OF VOICE NEAL IS USING HERE, THE GRATING SOUND OF IT ON HIS OWN EARS, THE BARE WORDS CARRY THE SUBTEXT AND LET EACH READER INTERPRET HOW THE LINE IS DELIVERED FOR THEMSELVES, THUS MAKING THIS SCENE THEIR OWN.
All four guys riveted eyes on Neal.
NOW HE'S GOT THEIR ATTENTION - DOES HE REALLY WANT IT. BUT AGAIN, HE'S ODD MAN OUT.
"So," Peter broke in, "can we feed your fire?"
ILLUSTRATES THEIR RELATIONSHIP - PETER SAVING NEAL FROM EMBARRASSMENT AT THE HANDS OF PETER'S COLLEAGUES. PETER, MEMBER OF THE FRATERNITY; NEAL, OUTSIDER.
"Go ahead." The guy handed Neal back the rolled painting.
STAGE BUSINESS HERE AN ACTOR COULD MAKE A LOT OUT OF. LET THE READER READ IT.
Peter gestured to Neal and the moment of paying off his bet with Peter came upon him like a cold shower. He'd been stupid to open his mouth and volunteer to burn these himself. He had been so sure he'd been right about Dorothy Putnam's double timing her S.E.C. boss on those CDO's. But she'd been lily white, and Peter had won the bet.
HERE NEAL'S INNER DIALOGUE IS REVEALED WITH SOME NARRATIVE, AND THE OFFHAND REFERENCE TO AN EVENT NOT MENTIONED IN ULTRACAPE'S OPENING IS INSERTED TO SHOW DON'T TELL THAT NEAL IS NOT ONLY AT THE NADIR OF HIS LIFE, BUT INSULT TO INJURY HE'D LEAD THE FBI IN THE WRONG DIRECTION ON THEIR LAST CASE -- ON THE TV SHOW THERE IS NO DOROTHY PUTNAM OR SEC SCANDAL OR CDO BUSINESS. I JUST MADE THAT UP FOR A BET NEAL HAD JUST LOST.
Neal walked up to the fire, gaining the alert attention of both firemen at the left and right of the pile of burning currency.
A gust of wind drove the flames and smoke away from Neal, and he took that moment to hurl the first painting onto the fire.
SYMBOLIC OF WHERE HE IS IN LIFE, HURLING HIS PAST INTO THE FIRE BECAUSE IT'S ALL A WORTHLESS SHAM.
I can make more. he thought grimly as he flung each painting onto the leaping flames. So why does this hurt?
AS MOST MEN, NEAL FEELS HIS FEELINGS BUT HAS NO CLUE (AND DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE) WHERE THEY COME FROM OR WHY HE FEELS. HE KNOWS HE CAN "MAKE MORE" -- REBUILD HIS LIFE -- BUT ON MORE SHAM, MORE CONS, A FALSE AND FAKE LIFE WORTH NOTHING BUT BURNING IN A BLEAK, OPEN FIELD UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYES OF THE AUTHORITIES.
The brown wrapper followed the canvasses, flapping in the wind.
REALLY NOTHING LEFT, NOT EVEN THE WRAPPER.
WHAT HE HAD CLUTCHED TO HIMSELF, HE HAS NOW THROWN AWAY. THIS IS THE BACKSTORY OF THE WHOLE TV SERIES UP TO "NOW" WHEN ULTRACAPE SOLVES THE PROBLEM EVER SO NEATLY.
Neal turned to face the welded together group of five F.B.I. guys and paced the distance back to them.
OK, BRAVELY FACE THE FUTURE.
He could have just let me burn them in my fireplace.
AGAIN THE MORPHING RELATIONSHIP, THE UNCERTAINTY THAT HE EVEN UNDERSTANDS PETER.
He made it back to the car certain he'd shown no hint of the pain he didn't let himself feel.
THIS INVITES FANFIC READERS TO RE-WATCH ALL THE SHOWS FOR HINTS OF NEAL'S INNER LIFE SHOWING THROUGH WHEN HE THINKS IT DOESN'T. ALSO AGAIN, ANOTHER SHOW DON'T TELL OF HOW THE FACE HE TURNS TO THE OUTER WORLD IS A CONSTRUCT, NOT WHAT HE KNOWS AS HIS TRUE SELF. HE DOESN'T LET HIMSELF FEEL HIS OWN PAIN, SO IT WON'T SHOW, BECAUSE - WHAT? IF IT DID SHOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN? REJECTION? AGAIN, THE POINTS OF CHARACTERIZATION ULTRACAPE HIGHLIGHTED ARE SHOWN, NOT TOLD. BUT IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN HER NEAL WOULD DO IT.
By the time they arrived at the office, Neal's back had relaxed enough for him to stride freely down the corridor, even though fully aware of each of his freehand sketches displayed on the walls.
HERE WE JOIN THE NARRATIVE ULTRACAPE WROTE WITH A DIFFERENT SEGUE. HER OPENING "THEY HUNG IN ALMOST EVERY OFFICE" IS REALLY COOL, AND I WAS VERY SORRY TO LOSE IT. SO I PUT IT IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH, AFTER REVEALING WHAT "THEY" ARE -- BETTER THAN SCRAPPING IT TOTALLY.
They hung in almost every office, were tacked on nearly all the peg boards and some having been enthusiastically signed with a flourish by the grinning artist were framed and brought home and displayed in places of honor.
He realized he'd been doing a lot more of those sketches since the murder of his lady love. There were few in the F.B.I.'s White Collar Crime Division who had not been captured in a Neal Caffery original sketch.
Why do they keep them? The scene of the morning returned full force, Peter melding seamlessly into the group of four F.B.I. guys, and himself apart. He tried to shake it off. They don't see me as just some tool to be used by whoever needs my unique skills!
But Neal knew that as far as those four guys were concerned, he deserved to be in prison, or dead, if they could only remember the right wanted poster.
But I've decided to do whatever it takes to stay out of prison, and I can do whatever I decide to do. Right?
Peter's phone rang. As he slipped it from his pocket, he said, "Neal, wait for me in my office, okay? I'll be right back." And he took off down the hall, phone to his ear.
Neal sighed and watched him go. See? What did I tell you? he told himself silently. I'm just a convenience, a crime solving appliance.
BLENDING INTO ULTRACAPE'S FIRST SCENE, BRINGING A SHOW DON'T TELL IMAGE INTO THE APPROACH TO THE OFFICE, CREATING AN EXIT FOR PETER SO HE CAN RE-ENTER WITH THE GUEST AND NEW OFFER.
He slipped into Peter's office and took out his small sketch pad he he carried for waiting-room-moments.
As usual, his thoughts drifted off to Kate and flashes of their life together, always ending with the explosion that took her from him.
But this time, it was just a burst of brightness from the sun angling its rays against a building and reflecting suddenly onto his face, not an orange and angry black explosion.
He became aware he was staring out at the clear day, the tall glass monoliths sparkling in the morning light. His hand was sketching the cityscape, a simple pencil sketch capturing the brilliance of sparkling buildings, giving them a vitality unseen by passersby.
His back to the door, Neal was so focused on his work that he did not notice the two men, one carrying a file, who walked into the room until one of them leaned over his shoulder and gasped.
"Oh my G-d, Peter!"
AS PETER BRINGS HIS GUEST AND SUGGESTION INTO NEAL'S LIFE, WITH THAT BURNING PAINTINGS SCENE TACKED ONTO THE OPENING, WE HAVE A REVERSAL OR SWITCH, A BIG TURNABOUT IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
IN MY OPENING SCENE, NEAL IS FEELING -- NOT THINKING -- THAT PETER HAS REALLY ABANDONED HIM, THAT PETER IS BEING CRUEL ON PURPOSE IN SOME WAY, AND NEAL ISN'T SURE HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT. NEAL IS JUST IN GRIEVING MODE, TOTALLY LOST, AND FEELING ABANDONED BY PETER, HIS LAST FRIEND. BUT HERE, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT'S REVERSED, AND PETER IS PROVIDING A SOLUTION THAT TAKES INTO ACCOUNT WHAT ART REALLY MEANS TO NEAL, A MEANING NEAL HIMSELF HAS NO CLUE (YET) EXISTS.
------------
Now, go over the scene you constructed, identify the techniques you did use, and make sure you've used all of the ones I've noted above.
Make your scene says what you want it to say, and with the characterization spin that you prefer -- but make it clear and vivid what your spin actually is.
This is a drill in SHOW DON'T TELL which is designed to prompt you to carry the dynamic evolution of a new icon for modern Romance into the future. It's all about Relationship shown but not told.
For more on the Romance iconization, see:
http://aliendjinnromances.blogspot.com/2010/04/turning-action-into-romance.html
Jacqueline Lichtenberg
http://jacquelinelichtenberg.com
Monday, July 06, 2009
Conference in Your Jammies: the rwa national alternative
For those not going to National, Romance Divas is having its own online conference...which you can attend in your jammies!
Are the RWA threads getting you down? Is bitterness creeping in the closer July gets?
Well, come on down. You're the next Diva on I GET TO HAVE A CONFERENCE IN MY JAMMIES!!!!!
That's right. Starting
July 14th instead of sweating on an airplane or negotiating your pricey room, you'll be logging in with your PJ's on and a cup of coffee in hand. We know how to do you right.
Are the RWA threads getting you down? Is bitterness creeping in the closer July gets?
Well, come on down. You're the next Diva on I GET TO HAVE A CONFERENCE IN MY JAMMIES!!!!!
That's right. Starting
July 14th instead of sweating on an airplane or negotiating your pricey room, you'll be logging in with your PJ's on and a cup of coffee in hand. We know how to do you right.Sign up here. http://forums.romancedivas.com/
and come to the conference here. http://forums.romancedivas.com//index.php?showforum=110
Look who we got to come and give us the benefit of their wisdom. (FOR FREE!!)
SCHEDULE FOR THE NGTCC
July 14th
Josh Lanyon Kicks off the workshop "ENOUGH TO MAKE A GROWN MAN CRY. Characterization, Motivation, and POV in m/m fiction."
The Bar will Open!
Kick off the NGTCC door prize drawings.
July 15th
Rowan McBride, Shayla Kersten and Jet Mykles continue the workshop "ENOUGH TO MAKE A GROWN MAN CRY. Characterization, Motivation, and POV in m/m fiction."
Ona Russel and Steve Hockensmith team up to do the Historical workshop " Perils and Pleasures of Historical Research".
More awesome door prizes.
July 16th
Rowan McBride, Shayla Kersten, and Jet Mykles "MAKING A GROWN MAN CRY"
Joey W. Hill "Epublishing to New York: One author's journey"
Linnea Sinclair "Going Deep: Writing Deep POV"
July 17th
Rowan McBride, Shayla Kersten and Jet Mykles "MAKING A GROWN MAN CRY"
Linnea Sinclair "Going Deep: Writing Deep POV"
Sasha White Q&A "Burnout: How to avoid it and how to handle it."
More door prizes.
July 18th
Rowan McBride, Shayla Kersten and Jet Mykles "MAKING A GROWN MAN CRY"
Linnea Sinclair "Going Deep: Writing Deep POV"
Y.A. workshop, CARRIE JONES and MARLEY GIBSON "Creating Believable Teen Characters"
HEAD GAMES: WRITING DEEP THIRD POV FOR MAXIMUM IMPACT
Reading is a vicarious experience, right? That means as a writer you need to immerse the reader into 
the heart, mind and skin of the character, and there’s no better way to do that than Deep Third Point Of View. Deep Third is often likened to First Person POV for its emotional intensity and intimacy factor. But it’s also a sure way to keep readers (and agents and editors!) turning pages. Award-winning Bantam Dell author Linnea Sinclair will take you on a journey through the flavors of Third Person, explain why Deep Third works, show you how and when to use Deep Third, how to know when Deep is Too Deep, and share tips and tricks to keep readers sobbing, giggling, gasping and grabbing… for more of your stories!
BIO: Winner of the prestigious national book award, the RITA, science fiction romance author Linnea Sinclair has become a name synonymous for high-action, emotionally intense, character-driven novels. Reviewers note that Sinclair's novels "have the wow-factor in spades," earning her accolades from both the science fiction and romance communities. Sinclair's current releases are GAMES OF COMMAND (PEARL Award winner and RITA finalist), THE DOWN HOME ZOMBIE BLUES (PEARL Award Honorable Mention), SHADES OF DARK (PEARL Award and RT Reviewers’ Choice Award winner) and HOPE’S FOLLY.
A former news reporter and retired private detective, Sinclair resides in Naples, Florida (winters) and Columbus, Ohio (summers) along with her husband, Robert Bernadino, and their thoroughly spoiled cats. Readers can find her perched on the third barstool from the left in her Intergalactic Bar and Grille at www.linneasinclair..com.
Hope to see you there! ~LinneaMonday, June 01, 2009
One Man's Trash
(due to deadlines I'll be recycling old columns, "The Full Sass," that I wrote for FUTURES magazine, 1999-2001. I hope you find them fun.)
From an investigator’s perspective, a lot can be learned from someone’s trash: eating habits, reading habits, drinking habits. I worked one custody case where the sole proof we had of a custodial father’s out-of-control alcoholism was the liters -- and yes, the LITERS-- of supermarket rum we found on our twice weekly ‘dives’. It took two large shopping bags to bring all the empties to the judge’s chambers, and at that point even the argument of compulsive rum-cake baking didn’t hold water. Or even cola. Those bottles were much less in evidence. Our friend liked his poison neat.
He also liked a number of other interesting things, like canned yams and paper towels decorated with fruit and spearmint chewing gum. Only the gum made sense in relation to the alcohol consumption, but all of it, everything we found over a three month investigation created a picture of an individual more thorough than anything his ex had been able to tell us.
We are not only what we eat and drink, but what we collect, consume, acquire and dispose of.
From a writer’s perspective, a lot can be learned from some fictional dumpster diving into your characters. What would we be likely to find in Scarlett O’Hara’s trash -- used draperies? And how about Captain Jean-Luc Picard’s recyclables on board the starship “Enterprise”: old Earl Grey tea bags is my guess. Detective Columbo of t.v. fame would throw out his cigar stubs. And the used cat litter generated by Koko and Yum-Yum in “The Cat Who...” mystery series would be considerable.
A peek at what has yet to be tossed is also instructive. As a licensed private investigator, I am governed by the same laws as average citizens when it comes to accessing private property. That is, I can’t, unless invitited. But over the years I’ve discovered -- out of necessity -- a myriad number of ways to get myself legally ‘invited’ into a subject’s home or office. I routinely carry a photograph of one of my cats, Friday, who it seems is forever getting lost in just that neighborhood where the subject lives. Knocking on doors with mascara stains under my eyes, clutching a photograph of dear old Friday kitty almost always gets me invited into the living room in order to access the back yard, where my cat may be hiding (along with the stolen motorboat, as in one case), or into the garage, where my cat may be hiding (along with the dented automobile as in a hit and run case).
Garage Sale signs and For Sale signs are other legitimate means I’ve used to gain lawful entry. Especially in investigations of financial misconduct, it’s not uncommon to find the subject selling his house and/or possessions as a means to raise quick cash. And I, as a P.I., was fortunate to locate a real estate broker who was a former Pinkerton security agent. We got along famously.
Once inside, souvenirs and memorabilia on display will tell not only where a person has visited but where they are often likely to flee to, if pressure is applied. Family photos can also confirm the existence of Mom in Duluth or a best friend in Dallas or even time in the armed services complete with the requisite ‘Fort Patriotic’ sign in the background.
‘Rosebud’ was a childhood sled one famous fictional character never let go of. Possession of other items -- like a statue of the Maltese Falcon -- trigger a whole other series of events. And a pair of ruby slippers were more important to Dorothy then any frequent flyer miles she could have accumulated.
So what do your characters have on their shelves, on their pianos? What do they cling to for
comfort in the darkness of night? Keying on an object or a talisman as part of your character is not only a way to give your character personality or depth, but can be used to signal their presence or absence without specifically saying so. Romance novel verbiage notwithstanding, I’m less likely to perceive the recent departure of a person (or a character) from the “lingering scent of her perfume” than I am from a favorite CD left playing on the stereo. Or a pair of ruby slippers tucked neatly under the bed.
We all have our treasured possessions. We all have our habits reflected in our routine discards. Since our real essence, who we are in our hearts and souls, can never truly be seen, we are all often judged by the things with which we surround ourselves. Our trash and our treasures tell the story of whom we believe ourselves to be.
And again, from an investigator’s perspective, it’s from a subject’s trash and treasures that we begin to understand such things as motives and uncover a subject’s habits and secrets. And from a writer’s point of view, it’s from these props that the reader can delve more deeply, more intimately into our story and our characters.
Leave Pandora’s Box to the mythical gods of old. You can learn everything you really want to know inside a sturdy Dempsey Dumpster.
Just another tidbit from the Center for the Slightly Skewed.....
ONE MAN’S TRASH
Dumpster diving is a lucrative occupation. For those of you who don’t keep a deerstalker hanging in your closet, I’ll explain that dumpster diving is P.I. lingo for trash recovery. Which is regular person lingo for stealing except that a few years ago the Supreme Court in its wisdom decided that anything you put out on the curb is fair game for scroungers and investigators
alike. Which means finding out when the municipal sanitation engineers make their rounds and getting there at least an hour or two before them. And being paid $150 or more for each of your early morning acquisitions.
Dumpster diving is a lucrative occupation. For those of you who don’t keep a deerstalker hanging in your closet, I’ll explain that dumpster diving is P.I. lingo for trash recovery. Which is regular person lingo for stealing except that a few years ago the Supreme Court in its wisdom decided that anything you put out on the curb is fair game for scroungers and investigators
alike. Which means finding out when the municipal sanitation engineers make their rounds and getting there at least an hour or two before them. And being paid $150 or more for each of your early morning acquisitions. From an investigator’s perspective, a lot can be learned from someone’s trash: eating habits, reading habits, drinking habits. I worked one custody case where the sole proof we had of a custodial father’s out-of-control alcoholism was the liters -- and yes, the LITERS-- of supermarket rum we found on our twice weekly ‘dives’. It took two large shopping bags to bring all the empties to the judge’s chambers, and at that point even the argument of compulsive rum-cake baking didn’t hold water. Or even cola. Those bottles were much less in evidence. Our friend liked his poison neat.
He also liked a number of other interesting things, like canned yams and paper towels decorated with fruit and spearmint chewing gum. Only the gum made sense in relation to the alcohol consumption, but all of it, everything we found over a three month investigation created a picture of an individual more thorough than anything his ex had been able to tell us.
We are not only what we eat and drink, but what we collect, consume, acquire and dispose of.
From a writer’s perspective, a lot can be learned from some fictional dumpster diving into your characters. What would we be likely to find in Scarlett O’Hara’s trash -- used draperies? And how about Captain Jean-Luc Picard’s recyclables on board the starship “Enterprise”: old Earl Grey tea bags is my guess. Detective Columbo of t.v. fame would throw out his cigar stubs. And the used cat litter generated by Koko and Yum-Yum in “The Cat Who...” mystery series would be considerable.
A peek at what has yet to be tossed is also instructive. As a licensed private investigator, I am governed by the same laws as average citizens when it comes to accessing private property. That is, I can’t, unless invitited. But over the years I’ve discovered -- out of necessity -- a myriad number of ways to get myself legally ‘invited’ into a subject’s home or office. I routinely carry a photograph of one of my cats, Friday, who it seems is forever getting lost in just that neighborhood where the subject lives. Knocking on doors with mascara stains under my eyes, clutching a photograph of dear old Friday kitty almost always gets me invited into the living room in order to access the back yard, where my cat may be hiding (along with the stolen motorboat, as in one case), or into the garage, where my cat may be hiding (along with the dented automobile as in a hit and run case).
Garage Sale signs and For Sale signs are other legitimate means I’ve used to gain lawful entry. Especially in investigations of financial misconduct, it’s not uncommon to find the subject selling his house and/or possessions as a means to raise quick cash. And I, as a P.I., was fortunate to locate a real estate broker who was a former Pinkerton security agent. We got along famously.
Once inside, souvenirs and memorabilia on display will tell not only where a person has visited but where they are often likely to flee to, if pressure is applied. Family photos can also confirm the existence of Mom in Duluth or a best friend in Dallas or even time in the armed services complete with the requisite ‘Fort Patriotic’ sign in the background.
‘Rosebud’ was a childhood sled one famous fictional character never let go of. Possession of other items -- like a statue of the Maltese Falcon -- trigger a whole other series of events. And a pair of ruby slippers were more important to Dorothy then any frequent flyer miles she could have accumulated.
So what do your characters have on their shelves, on their pianos? What do they cling to for
comfort in the darkness of night? Keying on an object or a talisman as part of your character is not only a way to give your character personality or depth, but can be used to signal their presence or absence without specifically saying so. Romance novel verbiage notwithstanding, I’m less likely to perceive the recent departure of a person (or a character) from the “lingering scent of her perfume” than I am from a favorite CD left playing on the stereo. Or a pair of ruby slippers tucked neatly under the bed. We all have our treasured possessions. We all have our habits reflected in our routine discards. Since our real essence, who we are in our hearts and souls, can never truly be seen, we are all often judged by the things with which we surround ourselves. Our trash and our treasures tell the story of whom we believe ourselves to be.
And again, from an investigator’s perspective, it’s from a subject’s trash and treasures that we begin to understand such things as motives and uncover a subject’s habits and secrets. And from a writer’s point of view, it’s from these props that the reader can delve more deeply, more intimately into our story and our characters.
Leave Pandora’s Box to the mythical gods of old. You can learn everything you really want to know inside a sturdy Dempsey Dumpster.
Just another tidbit from the Center for the Slightly Skewed.....
~Linnea
HOPE’S FOLLY, Book 3 in the Gabriel’s Ghost universe, Feb. 24, 2009 from RITA award-winning author, Linnea Sinclair, and Bantam Books: http://www.linneasinclair.com/
It's an impossible mission on a derelict ship called HOPE'S FOLLY. A man who feels he can't love. A woman who believes she's unlovable. And an enemy who will stop at nothing to crush them both.
It's an impossible mission on a derelict ship called HOPE'S FOLLY. A man who feels he can't love. A woman who believes she's unlovable. And an enemy who will stop at nothing to crush them both.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Vid Interview: World Building and Personalities
Linnea Sinclair - World Building and Personalities from Romantic Times BOOKreviews on Vimeo.
~Linnea
AN ACCIDENTAL GODDESS by Linnea Sinclair, A Romantic Times Gold Medal Top Pick!
That thought jolted her. What if… what if she spent the rest of her life here, being just Gillie? Not the Kiasidira. Not a Raheiran Sorceress. Not anyone’s Goddess or consort. Not even a captain in the Raheiran Special Forces. But just… Gillie. Just Gillie and Mack. - http://www.linneasinclair.com
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Redemption, the Rake and the Reluctant Hero
I have deadline brain. This means that the majority of my existence is—or should be—focused on getting my next contracted book out of the computer and to my editor at Bantam by May 1st. Being I’m only at twenty-thousand words (give or take five hundred) as of this moment, I’m in a fairly serious hurt. I need to create eighty thousand words (at least) in sixty days. And I have a major conference and a minor one tucked in there in April, houseguests for the next week due to the husband’s golf tourney (don’t ask—beyond my ken) and several other promotional and family obligations hovering in the background.So I’m going to ramble—as you can see from the title above—about redemption, the rake and the reluctant hero because 1) the title sounds good and 2) that’s what I want to talk about.
With Hope’s Folly’s release this week, I’ve been surfing blogs and review sites to see what readers and reviewers think of Philip and Rya. Beyond the obvious reasons for doing this there’s my curiosity about reaction to my character of Admiral Philip Guthrie who, in the world of romance novels, would fit more squarely under the Good Boy banner than the rogue or Bad Boy.
The romance genre—and science fiction romance hasn’t shied from this—is replete with rakes and rogues. Bad boys in need of reformation. Susan Grant penned the fabulous Reef in How To Lose an Extraterrestrial in 10 Days and the wonderfully sexy Finn in Moonstruck. Nora’s JD Robb has Roarke. Robin D Owens has Ruis and a ton of others. Rowena Cherry has her bad boy gods. And the list goes on. There’s even my Sully in Gabriel’s Ghost and Shades of Dark.
Bad boys are fun. And there’s something satisfying about watching a rake succumb to love. We root for Inara and Mal to finally get together in Joss Whedon’s universe. And author Colby Hodge has her sights set on Jayne… If anyone can reform Jayne, it’s Colby aka Cindy Holby.Philip Guthrie didn’t need reforming. Okay, he needed a kick in the pants over what happened between him and Chaz Bergren but Philip was and is a “good guy.” Honorable. Trustworthy. A veritable Boy Scout.
Which makes him a bit odd as a hero of a romance novel, even a science fiction romance novel. But as I write I’m beginning to discover the lure of the good man.
Good guys need love too.
Maybe I should get a bumper sticker printed up (do starships have a place for bumper stickers?)
Good guys also need redemption, maybe even more than those sexy rogues, because they are good guys. They know when they’ve failed. They hurt deeply when they’ve failed. They know what’s right and what’s wrong. Moreover, they know they’ve tried to do the right thing and when the right thing goes sour, they take the blame inside themselves.
Book reviewer (and former US Naval Academy instructor) Dr. Phil Jason uses this phrase in his review of Folly: “The tug of war between decorum and passion…” and I like that immensely. I think it nicely sums up what happens when a good guy gets his essence pushed to the limit.
http://philjason.wordpress.com/2009/02/10/linnea-sinclairs-steamy-sci-fi-saga/
Lurv-Ala-Mode reviews Philip thusly: “…the weight of this war and the Alliance’s position in it rests on his shoulders. He’s honor and duty-bound to put that above anything else, so he struggles a lot internally with his attraction to Rya. He’s also coming off the heels of the realization that he wasn’t ever there for his ex-wife, Chaz, as much as he could have been. He wasn’t fair to her, wasn’t there for her emotionally, and he wonders how he could ever make any relationship with a woman work.”
http://lurvalamode.wordpress.com/2009/02/09/arc-review-hopes-folly/
A rogue can struggle against doing what he sees to be the wrong thing, but the wrong thing is what comes naturally to him. The good guy, well, doing the wrong thing isn’t even in his vocabulary. So it becomes a very real “tug of war between decorum and passion.”
Which makes it, to me, somehow deeper. Somehow more threatening. As an author, you always ask yourself what a character has to lose? And a loss of honor, a loss of self-respect, is a huge thing.
http://lurvalamode.wordpress.com/2009/02/09/arc-review-hopes-folly/
A rogue can struggle against doing what he sees to be the wrong thing, but the wrong thing is what comes naturally to him. The good guy, well, doing the wrong thing isn’t even in his vocabulary. So it becomes a very real “tug of war between decorum and passion.”Which makes it, to me, somehow deeper. Somehow more threatening. As an author, you always ask yourself what a character has to lose? And a loss of honor, a loss of self-respect, is a huge thing.
Which brings me now to the reluctant hero. The good guy who’s essentially minding his own business but finds himself thrust into conflict because it’s not only the right thing to do, it’s the only thing to do. Even if he as no clue what he’s doing there.
He’s driven by something even deeper: part honor, part untapped potential and a very real knowledge that he—and someone he cares about—have their backs against the wall. And there’s no way out but the one he has to take.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most.” ~Maryanne Williamson
He’s driven by something even deeper: part honor, part untapped potential and a very real knowledge that he—and someone he cares about—have their backs against the wall. And there’s no way out but the one he has to take.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most.” ~Maryanne Williamson
That’s what drives Devin Guthrie—Philip’s youngest brother—in the next book. Devin, like Philip, is good people. Loyal, hard-working, honest. He just doesn’t think of himself as hero material.
Surprise.
Eighty thousand words to go.
Eighty thousand words to go.
~Linnea
HOPE’S FOLLY, Book 3 in the Gabriel’s Ghost universe, Feb. 24, 2009 from RITA award-winning author, Linnea Sinclair, and Bantam Books: http://www.linneasinclair.com/
“If we can’t do the impossible, then we need to at least be able to do the unexpected.” —Admiral Philip Guthrie
Sunday, February 22, 2009
VICARIOUS VERISIMIILITUDE: Morality and Immorality via Ramon Espejo
Talking about some of the extremes of human behavior and how we deal with these things, culturally, socially, segues in nicely with a book I just finished: HUNTERS RUN by George R.R. Martin, Gardner Dozois and Daniel Abraham. It fits nicely because the book’s main character (I’m not sure I can bring myself to call him protagonist or hero) is a man who has been characterized in reviews on Goodreads as an unrepentant asshole.And I think the reviewers are being kind.
Many readers hated the book because of Ramon Espejo. Others felt that his very asshole-ness made the book what it was. In the Q&A in the book’s last pages, Gardner states that early readers hated Ramon. It’s easy to hate Ramon.
It’s also hard to stop reading his story.
Ramon is a drunk, a woman-beater, a liar, a cheat. He’s a down-on-his-luck prospector on an alien planet. He’s a murderer. He has a hugely overblown view of himself.
He’s also tough, persistent, dogged and resourceful. He makes many bad decisions. He makes a few very good ones.
Ramon would be a difficult main character in a romance. Although he does a few heroic things, he’s not hero material. Not even with the recent trend in romance toward bad-boy protagonists. Not even with the trend toward blood-sucking dead guys as heroes.
Yet I found him a fascinating character and I actually cared enough about him to worry if he would live or die, fail or succeed. And so did a lot of other readers. And I wonder, with this talk about morality and society, how much vicarious nastiness we get out of our systems because of characters like Ramon. Or how much of our own nastiness we recognize in characters like Ramon and hence don’t feel quite that unusual.
We all have a dark side, good old Darth notwithstanding.
One of the criticisms often leveled at romance novels are that the main characters are too perfect. Too handsome. Too strong. Too caring. There have even been comments with the rise of the kick-ass heroine that we’re again creating characters with characteristics that are unattainable. Super Mom has spawned Super Fem Protagonist.Ramon Espejo represents some of the worst of in all of us.
So does Thomas Harris’ Hannibal Lecter but Hannibal the Cannibal was very outré. Larger than life, suave, manipulative. Intelligent. He was a number of good and worthy qualities gone bad.
Ramon’s just an asshole. And an uneducated one at that.
Then he stumbles on a secret that, if revealed, could cause the deaths of thousands. And he becomes, quite literally, his own worst enemy.
I don’t want to get into spoilers—I do encourage you to read this book if the issues of morality interest you at all—but it’s the “literally” where the book shines. And continues to take unexpected turns.
All I can say is the redemption I thought I saw coming for Ramon…doesn’t. But there is a redemption and it comes from another source. But uplifting…?
You need to see for yourself.
At only two hundred seventy six pages the book is a quick read. But I found it to be a very powerful one.
~Linnea
SHADES OF DARK, the sequel to Gabriel’s Ghost, July 2008 from RITA award-winning author, Linnea Sinclair, and Bantam Books: http://www.linneasinclair.com/
“You’ve told me many times I still need training. That a rogue Kyi like me is capable of utter destruction if I’m not careful. Then heed your own warning. Don’t force me to find out just what I’m capable of. Because when the dust settles, I will be the one left standing. And you know that.”
“You’ve told me many times I still need training. That a rogue Kyi like me is capable of utter destruction if I’m not careful. Then heed your own warning. Don’t force me to find out just what I’m capable of. Because when the dust settles, I will be the one left standing. And you know that.”
Monday, January 05, 2009
WINDOWS TO THE SOUL
One of the interesting things about studying the craft of writing is that you realize 1) there is no one right and perfect way to write and 2) concepts you think you know can be overhauled and freshened with a mere turn of a page and a new phrase.
One of those phrases, for me, is Window Character.
Next weekend my local RWA chapter is hosting an all-day workshop with Todd Stone of Novelist’s Boot Camp fame. Stone’s workshop is great not only because he’s an ex-Airborne officer who teaches in a kilt. But because of his merger of military tactics and discipline with the often wiggly and elusive craft of writing.
Window Character is one of his terms, his concepts.
It’s not something I didn’t know about. Secondary or tertiary character is probably an equally as apt description. If you go by archetypes, this would be the “Friend,” the confidant. The character who can function as the sounding board for the main character.
Stone’s twist on this is not only to make the character the sounding board but to make the character a window to the past.
This nicely addresses the problem of info dumps and backstory. I’ll get to why in a moment.
Stone writes: “A window characters…provides multiple opportunities to give the reader glimpses into your protagonist’s true nature.” The key thing is that your window character knew your main character BEFORE the story began. And knew him very well. (And yes, the antagonist can also have a window character.)
Stone says: The window character is a subordinate who
1) Shares the protagonist’s experiences
2) Has a relationship based on friendship not romance
3) Has conflicting personality points with the main character
4) Has the same agenda or understands the main character’s agenda
5) Must let the main character have the foreground
Yes, the window character is a secondary character and we all feel we know all there is to know about secondary characters. But what makes the window character special or slightly different are the points above. Most succinctly, the window character has been on the main character’s journey for a while. Or knew her “when…” This is an almost guaranteed solution to the icky problem of backstory.
Backstory are all those things that happened to the main character BEFORE the novel actually starts. Backstory likely shaped the main character into who he is at the story’s start and very often provides the motivation and explanation for his actions. But backstory is boring, it’s mostly unnecessary and if amateur writers have one consistent failing, it’s the flailing around in backstory in the book.
“Fiction is forward moving,” says writing guru Jack Bickham.
“People pay more money for prize fights than reminiscences,” advises writing guru Dwight Swain.
Those are two reasons why backstory is so deadly and why a window character is the perfect solution. The writer doesn’t need several paragraphs explaining the disastrous ending of the protagonist’s previous marriage, which is backstory. The writer needs a window character to see, hear and feel the experience as the main character and the window character interact with each other (with reader as voyeur):
Both Liza and Zeke function as window characters in my CSI:Miami meets Men In Black science fiction romance novel. Theo—the main character—is a homicide detective. Zeke is his long-time partner. Liza is a forensics technician. Rather than penning…
Theo Petrakos is a forty-three year old detective who went through a divorce that has left him emotionally scarred and leery of relationships…
I let you in to Theo’s life and let his friends—my window characters—show you what’s going on with him. Did I know I was creating a window character when I created Zeke? (Who, more than Liza, continues to function that way throughout the book.) Nope. I’m a pantser, pretty much an instinctual, organic writer. The character just felt right.
Now I know why.
The other important function of the window character is to act as a sounding board for the main character’s ideas…and to throw monkey wrenches into them. This is a wonderful source of conflict because it’s not from the expected source: the antagonist. It’s from the main character’s friend. Who not only makes the main character rethink his plans but makes him doubt himself as well.
This isn’t the usual conflict from the opposition. It’s the more deadly conflict from within. It strips the safety net away from the main character. It leaves him totally alone—which is exactly where he needs to be in the last quarter of a fiction novel.
The window character—who knows the main character better
than anyone—is the perfect person for the job of conflict. Their shared history—their backstory—becomes a workable ingredient in increasing the conflict rather than info slathered on, stopping the flow of action.
So here I am, seven books in with Bantam, and I’ve learned something. Yes, it was something I was already doing—I wrote Zombie long before I read Stone’s book. But now I know why I did it, I know why it works, I know what it can do and because I know all that, I can do it better in future books.
Writing is often an innate process but that doesn’t mean we don’t need to understand the craft of creation. Actually, because it’s so innate and often elusive, it’s vitally important we understand the craft of creation: why did that work? And more importantly, how can I do it again?
That is, if you want to sell your next book.
Thanks, General Stone. ::Linnea salutes::
~Linnea
One of those phrases, for me, is Window Character.
Next weekend my local RWA chapter is hosting an all-day workshop with Todd Stone of Novelist’s Boot Camp fame. Stone’s workshop is great not only because he’s an ex-Airborne officer who teaches in a kilt. But because of his merger of military tactics and discipline with the often wiggly and elusive craft of writing.
Window Character is one of his terms, his concepts.
It’s not something I didn’t know about. Secondary or tertiary character is probably an equally as apt description. If you go by archetypes, this would be the “Friend,” the confidant. The character who can function as the sounding board for the main character.Stone’s twist on this is not only to make the character the sounding board but to make the character a window to the past.
This nicely addresses the problem of info dumps and backstory. I’ll get to why in a moment.
Stone writes: “A window characters…provides multiple opportunities to give the reader glimpses into your protagonist’s true nature.” The key thing is that your window character knew your main character BEFORE the story began. And knew him very well. (And yes, the antagonist can also have a window character.)
Stone says: The window character is a subordinate who
1) Shares the protagonist’s experiences
2) Has a relationship based on friendship not romance
3) Has conflicting personality points with the main character
4) Has the same agenda or understands the main character’s agenda
5) Must let the main character have the foreground
Yes, the window character is a secondary character and we all feel we know all there is to know about secondary characters. But what makes the window character special or slightly different are the points above. Most succinctly, the window character has been on the main character’s journey for a while. Or knew her “when…” This is an almost guaranteed solution to the icky problem of backstory.
Backstory are all those things that happened to the main character BEFORE the novel actually starts. Backstory likely shaped the main character into who he is at the story’s start and very often provides the motivation and explanation for his actions. But backstory is boring, it’s mostly unnecessary and if amateur writers have one consistent failing, it’s the flailing around in backstory in the book.
“Fiction is forward moving,” says writing guru Jack Bickham.
“People pay more money for prize fights than reminiscences,” advises writing guru Dwight Swain.
Those are two reasons why backstory is so deadly and why a window character is the perfect solution. The writer doesn’t need several paragraphs explaining the disastrous ending of the protagonist’s previous marriage, which is backstory. The writer needs a window character to see, hear and feel the experience as the main character and the window character interact with each other (with reader as voyeur):
(from The Down Home Zombie Blues by Linnea Sinclair, Bantam Dell 2007)“How are your holidays so far, Theo?” Liza was still squatting next to
him.
“Fine,” he lied. “Yours?”
“Kids are up to their eyes in toys they don’t need, as usual. And they can’t even get to the ones under the tree until Christmas.” She nudged him with her elbow and grinned. “My husband’s cousin Bonnie is in town. She’s a couple years younger than you, thirty-four or thirty-five, single. Real cute. Like you.” She winked. “You’re clocking out for vacation, right?”
He nodded reluctantly. He’d wondered why she asked about his schedule when he ran into her at the courthouse yesterday. Now he had a feeling he knew.
“Why don’t you come by the house tomorrow night, say hi to Mark and the kids, meet Bonnie?”He rose. She stood with him. Liza Walters was, as his aunt Tootie liked to say, good people. But ever since he’d divorced Camille last year, Liza had joined the ranks of friends and coworkers trying to make sure Theo Petrakos didn’t spend his nights alone.
“Thanks. I mean that. But I’ve got some things to do.”
“How about next week, then?I’m sure you’ll like her. You could come with us to the New Year’s concert and fireworks at Pass Pointe Beach.” She raised her chin toward Zeke. “You too, Zeke. Unless Suzanne has other plans?”
“New Year’s Eve is always at her sister’s house.” Zeke splayed his hands outward in a gesture of helplessness. “Suzy doesn’t give me a choice.”
Liza briefly laid her hand on Theo’s arm. “Think about it. You need to have some fun. Forget about the bitch.”
He smiled grimly. Forgetting about the bitch wasn’t the problem. Trusting another woman was. “I’ll let you know, but I’m probably scheduled on call out.”
“That Bonnie sounds real nice,” Zeke intoned innocently as Liza went back to photographing a splintered bookcase. “Thirty-five’s not too young for you. I mean, you’re not even fifty.”
Theo shot a narrow-eyed glance at the shorter man. “Forty-three. And don’t you start on me too.”
Zeke grinned affably. “So what are your plans for tomorrow night, old man?”
“I’m restringing my guitar.”
“Alone?”
Theo only glared at him.
Zeke shook his head. “Still singing The Down Home Divorced Guy Blues? Man, you gotta change your tune.”
“I like my life just the way it is.”
“When’s the last time you got laid?”
“If you focus that fine investigative mind of yours on our dead friend’s problems, not mine, we just might get out of here by midnight.”
“That long ago, eh?”
“I’m going to go see what I can find in the bedroom,” he said, ignoring Zeke’s leering grin at his choice of destination. “You take the kitchen.”
Zeke’s good-natured snort of laughter sounded behind him as he left.
Both Liza and Zeke function as window characters in my CSI:Miami meets Men In Black science fiction romance novel. Theo—the main character—is a homicide detective. Zeke is his long-time partner. Liza is a forensics technician. Rather than penning…
Theo Petrakos is a forty-three year old detective who went through a divorce that has left him emotionally scarred and leery of relationships…
I let you in to Theo’s life and let his friends—my window characters—show you what’s going on with him. Did I know I was creating a window character when I created Zeke? (Who, more than Liza, continues to function that way throughout the book.) Nope. I’m a pantser, pretty much an instinctual, organic writer. The character just felt right.
Now I know why.
The other important function of the window character is to act as a sounding board for the main character’s ideas…and to throw monkey wrenches into them. This is a wonderful source of conflict because it’s not from the expected source: the antagonist. It’s from the main character’s friend. Who not only makes the main character rethink his plans but makes him doubt himself as well.
In the above snippet from The Down Home Zombie Blues, Theo’s partner and best friend is punching holes in everything Theo wants to do, in the very things Theo believes are the only answers to the problem. It even escalates to the point where the two friends threaten to come to blows.“And what do you think,” Theo asked quietly as his friend voiced the one downside he’d overlooked and now feared, “the news media will do to Jorie?”
Zeke’s mouth opened, then closed quickly.
“A freak show, Ezequiel. It’d be a fucking freak show.” Everyone would want a piece of Guardian Commander Jorie Mikkalah. The National Enquirer. The Jerry Springer show. And worse. Bile rose in Theo’s throat. How could he have been so stupid as not to realize what would happen? All this time he’d seen the Guardians’ reluctance to reveal their presence as a selfish act. And he’d ignored what Jorie told them the Guardians learned from experience: nil-tech worlds routinely acted illogically—sometimes even violently—when faced with someone from another galaxy.
“I’m not putting her through that.”
“The Feds will never let that happen. They’ll put her under lock and key.”
Another scenario he’d come up with and feared. “I’m not letting that happen, either.”“Theophilus. I don’t think you have a choice.”
“Like hell I don’t.” Theo spun away from him and resumed pacing.
“What are you going to do, risk hundreds of people’s lives because you don’t want a bunch of scientists in some basement room of the Pentagon asking Jorie questions? I think she can handle that. She’s probably been trained to handle that.”
Theo could see the tight, pained expression on Jorie’s face as she told him about her captivity with the Tresh. He could feel her shivering against him. He could see her fingers trace the rough scar on her shoulder.
He could see her getting into a dark government sedan with darkened windows, knowing he’d never see her again.
His breath shuddered out. This was the only scenario he’d agree to. And that, too, had flaws. “I’ll give them the zombie, the weapons.” They had both Guardian and Tresh now. “I’m not giving them Jorie.”
“You can’t hide her in your spare room the rest of her life. She has no Social Security number, no ID. She can’t even get a job.” Zeke raised his arms in an exasperated motion. “Talk about illegal alien!”
“I’ll get her an ID. A whole identity.”
Zeke stared at him. “Be serious.”
“I am.”
“You know what that costs, a good fake identity?”
“I can take equity out of my house to pay for it.”
Zeke barked out a harsh laugh. “Brilliant, Einstein. Traceable funds. There goes your career.”
“I’m not going to write a fucking personal check.” Theo glared at him. “I’m not that stupid.”
“Then listen to yourself, damn it! You’re talking felony jail time. Your life down the shitter. You do know what they do to cops in the Graybar Hotel, don’t you?”
“You’re assuming I’d get caught.”
“No, she’d get caught, suddenly surfacing in all the databases.” Zeke ticked the items off on his fingers. “She’d have to get a job, buy a car, rent an apartment—”
“Not if she’s living with me, she won’t.”
“Living with—what’re you going to do, Theophilus? Marry her?”
Theo raised his chin and met Zeke’s question with a hard stare. This was one of the decisions he’d made driving through the bright Florida sunshine in the middle of Christmas Day with Jorie by his side. And a dead zombie behind them. “Yes.”
“You’re—Ay, Jesucristo.” Zeke dropped his head in his hands, then lifted his face slightly and peered up at Theo. “You got a thing for women with fake identities?”
The not-so-veiled reference to his disastrous marriage hit him like a sucker punch. Theo looked away, keeping his temper in check. But he couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice when he turned back. “I’m sorely tempted to kick the shit out of you for saying that.”
Zeke straightened slowly, eyes wide then narrowing. “You want to take it outside, Theo? We can take it outside.”
This isn’t the usual conflict from the opposition. It’s the more deadly conflict from within. It strips the safety net away from the main character. It leaves him totally alone—which is exactly where he needs to be in the last quarter of a fiction novel.
The window character—who knows the main character better
than anyone—is the perfect person for the job of conflict. Their shared history—their backstory—becomes a workable ingredient in increasing the conflict rather than info slathered on, stopping the flow of action.So here I am, seven books in with Bantam, and I’ve learned something. Yes, it was something I was already doing—I wrote Zombie long before I read Stone’s book. But now I know why I did it, I know why it works, I know what it can do and because I know all that, I can do it better in future books.
Writing is often an innate process but that doesn’t mean we don’t need to understand the craft of creation. Actually, because it’s so innate and often elusive, it’s vitally important we understand the craft of creation: why did that work? And more importantly, how can I do it again?
That is, if you want to sell your next book.
Thanks, General Stone. ::Linnea salutes::
~Linnea
Linnea Sinclair
RITA award winning Science Fiction Romance
Bantam 2007-2008: Games of Command, The Down Home Zombie Blues, Shades of Dark
2009: Hope's Folly
http://www.linneasinclair.com/
RITA award winning Science Fiction Romance
Bantam 2007-2008: Games of Command, The Down Home Zombie Blues, Shades of Dark
2009: Hope's Folly
http://www.linneasinclair.com/
Sunday, December 28, 2008
CHANGE OF HEART: the quandary of the comeuppance
Today’s blog picks up from last week’s blog, which was based on the movie, 
Serenity. (A great flick and one I heartily recommend if you’ve not seen it…and if you’ve not seen it you might not want to read further as again, this will contain spoilers.)
Last week I whined about the (what I felt) untimely death of the character, Wash. While I could see where it had emotional impact, it failed, for me, to engender character growth. So it left me feeling…confused. More than usual, that is.
Here I’m going to whine about the second part of my thoughts on Serenity—the apparent capitulation, the change of heart of “The Operative” who was the foremost antagonist in the movie. This was a man who rather gleefully admitted he killed children. This was a man who clearly had no problem killing anyone. He showed no remorse; if anything I had the feeling he saw himself as some kind of avenging angel of death. He advised those he was in the process of killing that they were dying bravely and for good reason. But he wasn’t apologetic. No, not that. He was a man doing a job he loved.
So when, at the end, Mal lets him live (bit of a surprise, that, but not fully unexpected), he evidently (off-camera) returns the favor and gets the baddies
off Mal’s tail. There’s a scene where he comes to tell Mal good-bye and even though Mal threatens to kill him at that point (tagged with the ubiquitous “if I ever see you again”), clearly, this man is not the man who was the antagonist for most of the film.
What happened?
I haven’t a clue in a bucket ::ka-ching to Paula L.::
Most likely—as has been posited—there was supposed to be another film or movie for TV and he’d have a recurring role. That’s what the ending felt like but since that hasn’t happened (though I live in hope), the movie’s end left me feeling…strange (more strange than usual).
The character went out of character. He went from a heartless and somewhat haughty killing machine to—okay, not Mister Nice Guy. But he’d obviously found a stash of happy meds somewhere. He was removed as a threat, even to the point of turning on his former employer.
All because of Mal and the Reavers. I just didn’t quite buy it.
I’m not saying baddies can’t become goodies. They can. Susan Grant did that marvelously in her How To Lose An Extraterrestrial in 10 days in which Reef, the assassin from her Your Planet or Mine? is recast as a hero. She does this through one of the finest and most gripping first chapters. It worked, beautifully and flawlessly, for me.
I took a less bad baddie in the form of Admiral Philip Guthrie who straddled
the fence between friend and foe in my Gabriel’s Ghost, fully came into friend category (though not without a touch of tension) in Shades of Dark and finally into his hero duds in my upcoming Hope’s Folly.
So understand I have no particular issue with an antagonist having a change of heart.
As long as you show me how and why that happens, and Whedon in Serenity didn’t do that.
I would have been far more satisfied with the movie if Wash had lived and The Operative had died. That, from a plot and characterization point of view, would have made more sense. As it was, it was the second WTF? moment for me in the movie.
Again, maybe scenes were cut. Last I knew, Mal left the guy secured to a railing in Mr. Universe’s lower chamber, with the tape of the “truth” about the world, Miranda, running on the big screen (without commercials, too!). Okay, gripping stuff. But based on the character to that point, it didn’t seem sufficient motivation for the guy to turn on his employers. He was no newbie. He was a seasoned assassin and had seen—and done—worse than that before. That much was shown in the flick.
Now, maybe what we didn’t see was The Operative’s teammates coming to rescue him and mocking him for his predicament. Maybe
this threw him over the edge. Maybe the Alliance shunned him. And so he reacted. But we didn’t see that. We don’t know that. We don’t even get a hint of that.
It certainly does make the movie end “happier” though and maybe that’s my problem with it. I have this thing against forced happiness in endings. Yes, I write to an HEA (though some readers of Shades of Dark may quibble with that). But an HEA doesn’t mean Everything Is Now Perfect. Therein I think is the problem with some readers who want Perfect at book’s end, rather than logical to plot and character.
At Shade’s end (S P O I L E R), Sully is wounded, pretty seriously (so is Philip). The final scene is in ship’s sick bay and Sully is still wounded…but Chaz loves him anyway. Now, a few readers have asked me, “Couldn’t you have just fully cured him then and there and then had Chaz say she loved him?” The fact that Sully was still injured at book’s end took Perfect away from them. (It’s almost as if the fact—the main issue of the love between Sully and Chaz is ignored. Which confuzzles me. Loving someone who’s in perfect form is easy. Loving someone who’s injured takes a special, deeper kind of love. Doesn’t it?)
Anyway, the answer to “couldn’t I just cure him” right there is no. And the answer is no because it would have felt as wrong to me as Serenity’s ending.
Sully made some huge mistakes in Shades. The Operative did some really nasty shit in Serenity. Characters’ actions must engender reactions. That’s a basic law of the craft of fiction. It’s often illustrated by the old “if you show a gun in scene one, you damned well better fire it in scene two…” analogy. A character’s action in chapter one directly impact the actions in chapter two. You can’t have a character doing all sorts of nasty shit for six chapters and then in chapter seven—for no salient reason—suddenly he’s a veritable good neighbor. Everyone’s friend. All forgotten. There are consequences in fiction. In real life we’re not always aware of the consequences but in fiction—if the piece is to work—they are unavoidable.
Or else you risk writing Mary Sues or Marty Sams or whatever you want to call them.
“The reader needs someone to pass judgment on.” Writing guru Jack Bickham said that and that’s another reason why the laws of karma apply in fiction, right up front. And why things getting too pretty, too fast, violates credibility. Readers might not like the fact that Sully was so seriously injured at book’s end. But if I’d lightened up on him in the final chapters of the book, I would have been Mary Sue-ing out on the basic principles. And the reader would be denied the right to see the passing of judgment.
There’s nothing to pass judgment on if all is prettied up and forgiven. The punishment must match the crime. Sully had become a tad too big for his intergalactic britches. He needed to be taken down several notches. He needed to realize he’d likely lost Chaz. And Chaz needed to be there for him at book’s end because her story, also, had to make logical fictional sense.
Her journey is different from his.
The Operative definitely had a comeuppance coming.
He didn’t get it.
And I’ve not a clue in a bucket as to why. Do you?
~Linnea
Serenity. (A great flick and one I heartily recommend if you’ve not seen it…and if you’ve not seen it you might not want to read further as again, this will contain spoilers.)Last week I whined about the (what I felt) untimely death of the character, Wash. While I could see where it had emotional impact, it failed, for me, to engender character growth. So it left me feeling…confused. More than usual, that is.
Here I’m going to whine about the second part of my thoughts on Serenity—the apparent capitulation, the change of heart of “The Operative” who was the foremost antagonist in the movie. This was a man who rather gleefully admitted he killed children. This was a man who clearly had no problem killing anyone. He showed no remorse; if anything I had the feeling he saw himself as some kind of avenging angel of death. He advised those he was in the process of killing that they were dying bravely and for good reason. But he wasn’t apologetic. No, not that. He was a man doing a job he loved.
So when, at the end, Mal lets him live (bit of a surprise, that, but not fully unexpected), he evidently (off-camera) returns the favor and gets the baddies
off Mal’s tail. There’s a scene where he comes to tell Mal good-bye and even though Mal threatens to kill him at that point (tagged with the ubiquitous “if I ever see you again”), clearly, this man is not the man who was the antagonist for most of the film.What happened?
I haven’t a clue in a bucket ::ka-ching to Paula L.::
Most likely—as has been posited—there was supposed to be another film or movie for TV and he’d have a recurring role. That’s what the ending felt like but since that hasn’t happened (though I live in hope), the movie’s end left me feeling…strange (more strange than usual).
The character went out of character. He went from a heartless and somewhat haughty killing machine to—okay, not Mister Nice Guy. But he’d obviously found a stash of happy meds somewhere. He was removed as a threat, even to the point of turning on his former employer.
All because of Mal and the Reavers. I just didn’t quite buy it.
I’m not saying baddies can’t become goodies. They can. Susan Grant did that marvelously in her How To Lose An Extraterrestrial in 10 days in which Reef, the assassin from her Your Planet or Mine? is recast as a hero. She does this through one of the finest and most gripping first chapters. It worked, beautifully and flawlessly, for me.
I took a less bad baddie in the form of Admiral Philip Guthrie who straddled
the fence between friend and foe in my Gabriel’s Ghost, fully came into friend category (though not without a touch of tension) in Shades of Dark and finally into his hero duds in my upcoming Hope’s Folly.So understand I have no particular issue with an antagonist having a change of heart.
As long as you show me how and why that happens, and Whedon in Serenity didn’t do that.
I would have been far more satisfied with the movie if Wash had lived and The Operative had died. That, from a plot and characterization point of view, would have made more sense. As it was, it was the second WTF? moment for me in the movie.
Again, maybe scenes were cut. Last I knew, Mal left the guy secured to a railing in Mr. Universe’s lower chamber, with the tape of the “truth” about the world, Miranda, running on the big screen (without commercials, too!). Okay, gripping stuff. But based on the character to that point, it didn’t seem sufficient motivation for the guy to turn on his employers. He was no newbie. He was a seasoned assassin and had seen—and done—worse than that before. That much was shown in the flick.
Now, maybe what we didn’t see was The Operative’s teammates coming to rescue him and mocking him for his predicament. Maybe
this threw him over the edge. Maybe the Alliance shunned him. And so he reacted. But we didn’t see that. We don’t know that. We don’t even get a hint of that.It certainly does make the movie end “happier” though and maybe that’s my problem with it. I have this thing against forced happiness in endings. Yes, I write to an HEA (though some readers of Shades of Dark may quibble with that). But an HEA doesn’t mean Everything Is Now Perfect. Therein I think is the problem with some readers who want Perfect at book’s end, rather than logical to plot and character.
At Shade’s end (S P O I L E R), Sully is wounded, pretty seriously (so is Philip). The final scene is in ship’s sick bay and Sully is still wounded…but Chaz loves him anyway. Now, a few readers have asked me, “Couldn’t you have just fully cured him then and there and then had Chaz say she loved him?” The fact that Sully was still injured at book’s end took Perfect away from them. (It’s almost as if the fact—the main issue of the love between Sully and Chaz is ignored. Which confuzzles me. Loving someone who’s in perfect form is easy. Loving someone who’s injured takes a special, deeper kind of love. Doesn’t it?)
Anyway, the answer to “couldn’t I just cure him” right there is no. And the answer is no because it would have felt as wrong to me as Serenity’s ending.
Sully made some huge mistakes in Shades. The Operative did some really nasty shit in Serenity. Characters’ actions must engender reactions. That’s a basic law of the craft of fiction. It’s often illustrated by the old “if you show a gun in scene one, you damned well better fire it in scene two…” analogy. A character’s action in chapter one directly impact the actions in chapter two. You can’t have a character doing all sorts of nasty shit for six chapters and then in chapter seven—for no salient reason—suddenly he’s a veritable good neighbor. Everyone’s friend. All forgotten. There are consequences in fiction. In real life we’re not always aware of the consequences but in fiction—if the piece is to work—they are unavoidable.
Or else you risk writing Mary Sues or Marty Sams or whatever you want to call them.
“The reader needs someone to pass judgment on.” Writing guru Jack Bickham said that and that’s another reason why the laws of karma apply in fiction, right up front. And why things getting too pretty, too fast, violates credibility. Readers might not like the fact that Sully was so seriously injured at book’s end. But if I’d lightened up on him in the final chapters of the book, I would have been Mary Sue-ing out on the basic principles. And the reader would be denied the right to see the passing of judgment.
There’s nothing to pass judgment on if all is prettied up and forgiven. The punishment must match the crime. Sully had become a tad too big for his intergalactic britches. He needed to be taken down several notches. He needed to realize he’d likely lost Chaz. And Chaz needed to be there for him at book’s end because her story, also, had to make logical fictional sense.
Her journey is different from his.
The Operative definitely had a comeuppance coming.
He didn’t get it.
And I’ve not a clue in a bucket as to why. Do you?
~Linnea
SHADES OF DARK, the sequel to Gabriel’s Ghost, July 2008 from RITA award-winning author, Linnea Sinclair, and Bantam Books: http://www.linneasinclair.com/
Something cascaded lightly through me—a gentling, a suffused glow. If love could be morphed into a physical element, this would be it. It was strength and yet it was vulnerability. It was all-encompassing and yet it was freedom. It was a wall of protection. It was wings of trust and faith.
It was Gabriel Ross Sullivan, answering the questions I couldn’t ask. Not that everything would be okay, but that everything in his power would be done, and we’d face whatever outcomes there were together.
Something cascaded lightly through me—a gentling, a suffused glow. If love could be morphed into a physical element, this would be it. It was strength and yet it was vulnerability. It was all-encompassing and yet it was freedom. It was a wall of protection. It was wings of trust and faith.It was Gabriel Ross Sullivan, answering the questions I couldn’t ask. Not that everything would be okay, but that everything in his power would be done, and we’d face whatever outcomes there were together.
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